Grown Ass Proposals

Recently, whilst stumbling upon via stumbleupon.com, I stumblt upon this:
(the girl in front is the lucky lady)

And, sadly, this:

And it got me thinking, this being the beginning of summer, Mayhaps there are some Grown Ass Men out there who would appreciate some helpful suggestions for how to pop "the question". Well, I don't really feel like helping with that right now. Maybe later. Right now I'd like nothing more than to assist in areas far more mundane. What follows is a list of suggestions for popping other, less-consequential questions. Because nothing says "please" like melodrama, hilarity, or making a scene.

note: this is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not expect to get the thing you are asking for by employing any of these methods.

The Question: Will you help me move?
An adult male might create a Facebook event with all the details and invite his entire friends list.
A Grown Ass Man might hack two or three friends' Facebook profiles, and daily update their statii to reflect their excitement to help a brother out.

The Question: Can I date your sister/ex girlfriend?
You might try this delicate, 3 step process:
1. Seats behind home plate
2. First 5 rounds on you
3. Jumbotron

The Question: Can I borrow some money?
Try the Subliminal Message Guy approach. (Warning: Kevin Nealon gets slightly raunchy in this skit)

The Question: Are you gonna finish that?
Maybe go with an interpretive dance, throw in an inordinate amount of pointing both to your mouth and to the rest of that sandwich.

I hope this helps. I'm sure it does. If you have a particular question you'd like help asking, leave it in the comments and see what the community can come up with.

Grown Ass Man of the Week: 5/16/2011

Every now and then, a Man pushes the boundaries of what we thought was possible, causing us to wonder, "what could possibly come next?"

This week, I would like to draw attention to this year's winner of the Beard and Moustache World Championships, Elmar Weisser of Germany.



That's right, that's a moose and tree sculpted from a beard. I need say no more.

Getting Your Stuff Together

As school years across the nation are coming to a close, I thought this post would be appropriate. There is nothing, absolutely nothing better than getting your stuff together.

What do I mean by getting your stuff together? It's that to do list of essays and papers needing to be completed that you finally knock off. It's finally taking your car in to the shop and getting that weird rattling noise taken care of. It's putting away all those winter clothes now that it's summer time. Basically, it is taking care of business that you have procrastinated on long enough where it starts to affect your every day life.

For me, it was finally getting some pesky online quizzes taken and two major papers written. The deadline was this week, but I have known about them for a long time. The feeling of getting your stuff together is one of the greatest feelings anyone could ever have. It's like lifting a gigantic load off of your shoulders that only got heavier because you chose to ignore it for a while.

As a Grown Ass Man it is important to get your stuff together. It is important to note that getting your stuff together does not mean in a timely fashion. Getting your stuff together means that at some point, maybe right at the buzzer, you get stuff taken care of before it gets too out of hand. In most cases, the longer you wait to get your stuff together, the better it feels once you have taken care of it. It is also important to note that if things do get out of hand and somebody gives you grief about it you can always just respond with the phrase, "Hey, I'm a Grown Ass Man, I'll get to it."

Working against the clock is part of getting your stuff together. Grown Ass Men, just like in decision making, work well under pressure. Adult Males crumble under the weight of responsibilities and problems overwhelming them. Grown Ass Men laugh in the face of these pressures knowing that in time they will conquer them.

What are things that may take precedence over getting things done right away? First off, Angry Birds is something that is a little more important. Those stupid green pigs won't destroy themselves, certainly not in a way that gives me 3 stars. Also, what is for dinner? We may spend a couple hours each day deciding on what would be the best to fill our Grown Ass tummies. Once these things, among others, are taken care of then we will get to our things that need to get done.

I may have my work done for this quarter but I still have some lightbulbs that need to be changed. In order to change them I need to go to the store and get some more. I will probably get around to it when we are down to one lightbulb left. What is a greater contrast: having one new lightbulb or have 3 new lightbulbs? It almost makes more sense to wait to do things because it makes the simple tasks in life seem harder and our completion of them that much more awesome. If I get a paper done in two weeks with three weeks left to go until it's due what's the point? There's no glory in that.

What have you accomplished lately? What stuff have you gotten together that makes you feel like an accomplished Grown Ass Man? What things do you still have left to do? What things do you like to do instead of the tasks assigned to you? Let us know what you think.

Reader Submitted: The Glories of Co-Rec Softball

Today we have a special treat, this is a reader submitted post. This dedicated follower of the Grown Ass Blog has donated his literary skills to provide us with a glimpse into his co-rec softball experiences. Remember, these are reflections of a Grown Ass Man. The man he refers to, and is the point of much of his musings, would be considered an Adult Male. If you would like to have your material posted to the blog just submit your writings to grownassbloggers@gmail.com. We would be more than happy to review it and post it up. Enjoy!

We had our first co-rec softball game last night. We played about as well as the weather was, but that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about super arm band guy.

Super arm band guy probably was on his high school baseball team, but rarely played. He always talks about the guy he was playing behind that played minor league baseball, and how that could have been him if he would have just gotten his shot. So now, he brings all that talent to a co-ed recreational softball league in Downers Grove. He has a jersey with his name on it and at least 5-10 armbands. 'Sliding pants - check. Matching sliding socks - check. Color-coordinated in red, white, and blue from head to toe - check. Not sure if he was feeling extra patriotic this week, or if he feels that is his teams colors. Oh - and his hairline is definitely fading fast.

As a player, he is good but not great. where he truly shines is as an over-competitive snobery. As he scored to make the game 10-2, he yelled out, "the blow out is ON!" Just to remind you he did not just score the winning run in the state championship but the 10th run in the first co-rec softball game of the year against a team who had not practiced.

After he made a snide comment from third base because one of our girls did not understand an esoteric rule of co-rec softball, and because I was cold and grumpy anyway, I decided I should just sit the rest of the game and devote all of my energy to making snide comments about this guy. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Some highlights:

• After he sarcastically said to one of our girls, "I don't know, it happens every time we go through the line-up", my retort was, "I don't know, it happens every time that DB is coaching third base".
• Since he pitched right-handed but batted left, Rob asked if he was a switch hitter. to which I responded, "oh, he definitely is". Rob responded, 'I don't know how to take that". To which I responded, "oh, our pitcher is right-handed, so that is why he is batting left but a guy with that many arm bands definitely has so much skill that he would switch around and bat right-handed if we had a left-handed pitcher".
• The highlight of his athletic feats was when he just out ran the rest of his body and slipped as he was rounding second, and gracefully fell to the ground.

I'm not one to kick somebody when they are down, so I have no comment for this one, but I definitely appreciated the karma for his talk to our ladies.

You may ask yourself, who has the bigger issue? The over-competitive softball guy or the grumpy old man in the dug out bitterly making fun of him. That, my friends, is the beauty of co-rec softball.

The Transition to Grown Ass Manhood: Food

For those of you who may be wondering at what point in your life you may begin to assert your Grown Ass Manhood, you may use a few of the following landmarks in the culinary arena as guidelines to realizing your Grown Ass Potential:

Vegetables Other than Variations on the Potato
The big one here is grilled asparagus. An acquired taste, asparagus serves as a savory side to a perfectly cooked steak.

Grilling the Perfect Steak
The Grown Ass Man is in constant pursuit of the Perfect Steak. The most important thing to consider is where you obtain your meats. Do not write off the recent trend toward locally raised, grass fed beef as hippy-dippy nonsense. Such steaks will undoubtedly be the freshest cuts of meat you can buy, and it is worth your time and money to seek the quality flavors that natural beef delivers.

Cooking with Beer
Numerous recipes and cooking techniques involve the use of stocks, wines, or other cooking liquids. Consider replacing these liquids with a hearty porter or other robust ale. A wide array of foods can benefit from this practice, from chili to sausages to braised beef and more. Get creative. Experiment. A Grown Ass Chef is not confined by the boundaries of the printed recipe.

Combination Food
This subject has already been touched on in a Grown Ass manner on this very blog. A tie-in to the experimentation mentioned above, the possibilities are endless when you consider combining ground beef with sausage, steak with bacon, etc.

With that said, the fellas over at Epic Meal Time are pioneering a new frontier in foodiculousness. If you haven't been made privy to the culinary antics of these cookin' Canucks, follow the link to experience the extremes of Grown Ass Cookin': http://www.youtube.com/user/EpicMealTime

A Grown Ass Fashion Statetment

Or should I say, a grown ass statement about fashion.

Summer is dangling over our heads, clutching for dear life to the tenacious little finger of Sylvester Stallone, merely movie moments away from slowly slipping from our hero's strong grasp to plop all hot and sticky all over our unsuspecting skulls, leaving a tearful and resolute Italian Sherpa with nothing but regrets and bitter anguish. Why?! Why didn't he say "I love you, Summer" just once before she slipped away? You sad, sorry man...

So, since it's getting warmer, I think it apropo to offer some grown ass advice on what not to wear this season. It's no secret that Adult Males ere infinitum have been experimenting with idiocy when it comes to summer fashion. If you are thinking of trying a "new look", go for it, but if I see you in any of these now known no nos, I'ma slap you.

Overall Shorts - just, no.
Proper Overalls - if you don't drive a pickup truck, you cannot pull off this look. If your overalls cost you more than $10 at the Farm and Fleet, you cannot pull off this look.

Grown Ass Style tip: try some khakis and a colored tee. Try to avoid cargo pockets.

Velvety track suit, matching of course... Adult Males picked this one up as soon as pretty girls stopped dressing like this. If you are not from Eastern Europe, you cannot pull off this look.

Try this: Gym Shorts and a white tee. Classic, yet comfortable.

A beanie. It's hot out, you look like a damn fool.

Try this: cut your hair shorter. High and tight, clean part. No sideburns.

Tucked in shirts? Adult Males are always tucking everything into everything else... A Grown Ass Man tucks his shirt in when wearing a suit, or when otherwise told by his own mother.

Socks and sandals. Don't do this.

Tip? Get yourself a pair of Rainbows.

D.B. Deep Vees. (DB stands for "descends below" the sternum) V-Necks are cool, but seriously we don't need to see that tattoo of a cancerous mole you got ironically after you got that cancerous mole removed.

Tip: Don't be a deeber.

Well that's all I got for now, remember stay cool and stay cool.

What's your summer fashion pet-peeve? Adult Male or Female?

Brand Allegiance

Out of the many different statements and things that are true about Grown Ass Men, the one thing that we have neglected to talk about is Brand Allegiance.

Brand Allegiance, being true to a specific brand despite all criticism from female companions and Adult Males within your proximity, is an integral part of being a Grown Ass Man. This is considered a true trademark of Grown Ass Manhood. It incorporates many things that G.A.M. love: specifically expressing loyalty and being in a situation they can control.

For example:

I have a relative who refuses to go to any other gas station except Marathon. Adult Males would see this as just stubborn behavior. An Adult Male would say, "gas is gas, no matter where you go." This Grown Ass Relative of mine would dispute that claim. Not only does he receive quality gas but he has become so acquainted with the system set in place by Marathon that now he is able to take advantage of that system, legally of course. He receives points every time he uses his Marathon credit card, which he uses to buy gas cards which earn him more points. Now I am simplifying the process to protect the process and also because I do not have an allegiance to Marathon. Since I don't have this intimate relationship with that brand I may never understand fully what that is about.

Another example:

I have another relative, one of the grown ass persuasion, who frequents Arby's, buying their shake mix to use in his own ice cream machine at home. Not only does he enjoy the shake mix that he buys from them but he also enjoys the tasty treats that Arby's produces. Through his allegiance to the Arby's brand he has become a regular. Being a "regular" at any place where you are the consumer is an elite status that not everybody gets. This grown ass relative of mine has achieved that status and, undoubtedly, has the admiration of his peers. Being a regular at any place could be a separate post of its own, so I won't go deeper into that right now.

Basically, what I am saying here is that Grown Ass Men love their brands. I personally love my "Fresh" scented deodorant from Old Spice more than most other parts of my morning routine. That smell is something that I'm never willing to part with. These brands become part of the family. Many fond memories are surrounded by the taste of Kroger Brand ice cream because of the stance my father took on his brand. Discontinuity creates confusion. Stick to what you know! Love your brands!

So remember, be loyal to your brands and they will return the favor. Remember all of the times your grandpa refused to shop/eat/get some kind of service at any other location then the one he was used to? Now you understand why he did that, he is a Grown Ass Man. So be proud of your particularity to labels and brands because that is what makes you you, a Grown Ass Man.

What brands are you loyal to? What kind of persecution have you faced because of your dedication to that brand? Let us know.

Sandwich Shoutout

Today I decided to finally take a Grown Ass Man's advice and eat at local hotspot, Gioia's Deli, in the Italian neighborhood of St. Louis called The Hill. I was not disappointed.

This Sandwich, yeah It deserves capitalization, is a masterpiece.

Being a Chicagoan, there are 3 criteria by which I judge an Italian sandwich:

The Bread. It's gotta be soft, yet crusty. If you order your sandwich toasted, it's supposed to scrape up your mouth to the point that you're subconsciously tonguing it's roof for days. I'm partial to Turano, but a good, fresh-baked baguette will do just fine.

The Meat-Mix. Too often sub shops try to pass off a lunchmeat sandwich and call it an Italian. This, Subway-esque, Adult Male pile of Ham, Salami, and usually Pepperoni (seriously?!) has become acceptable in some parts of the country... but where I come from, an Italian is a solid Salami, Capicola (pronounced Gabagole), Mortadella, and sometimes Ham. Pepperoni is for pizzas, man... Gioia's uses Genova, Hot Salami, and Ham, or Mortadella. Totally acceptable.

Giardiniera. If you don't know what this is, Jesus still loves you, but you've never eaten a sandwich before in your entire life. This is a type of Hot Pepper Relish, and Gioia's has the second hottest Giardiniera I've ever eaten. Big Up's to the #1, Bari's on Grand Ave. in Chicago... they make theirs with Habaneros.

All that being said, I didn't even order the Italian, because the menu board was whistling a tune I'd never heard before...
Gioia's Extra Spicy Hot Salami Sandwich.

Man, was this a treat:

Gioia's delicious fresh-baked bread
Gioia's special salami sliced warm and piled high
Pepper Cheese
Spicy Mustard
Onion
Pepperoncini
Extra Hot Giardiniera

Here's a pic of what I had leftover...

Now, before you get all commenty on me, saying things like, "A Grown Ass Man would have finished the whole 9" sandwich!!!"

You're absolutely right. A Grown Ass Man would certainly eat all of it and ask for more, if he didn't have the Grown Ass Restraint to save a bit to scramble into some eggs in the morning. Being stuck in St. Louis means I can no longer enjoy the ubiquity of delicious Giardiniera that I had so foolishly taken for granted in the frivolity of youth...

So here's to Gioia's! A truly special little deli on Macklind off Shaw in the Hill.

What do you order when you go to Gioia's?

Grown Ass Man of the Week

Scratch that, we are awarding the grown ass men of the week. These men are historical but they are just as relevant today as they were back in their time. Below we have the names of Theodore Roosevelt, Andrew Jackson, and Genghis Khan. When you click on each one you will know why they are the G.A.M.'s of the Week.

Theodore Roosevelt

Andrew Jackson

Genghis Khan

Special shout out to the grown ass men who came up with this fake campaign for the Smithsonian.

Contest to Publicize our Blog!

Many of you know of my grown ass artistic ability... I am donating my craftmanship to the ever-growing fame of our Blog. I am in the process of creating 10 Tees to give away one each to the first 10 grown ass men to complete the following:

Post your favorite of our articles to your Facebook, and provide us with a screenshot.

Subscribe to our blog, as well as convince two members of your grown ass cohort to subscribe as well.

Just tell me your shirt size in the comment that includes your screenshot.

Facial Hair Shout Out

Today we continue our series on highlighting the epitome of manliness, having glorious facial hair. Today we focus on a true grown ass man, anonymous Giant's fan. Not only does this beard have enviable bushiness, but it also has perfect form and shape. It is not too out of control, but has just enough of a wild side to make it edgy. Bonus extra on this shout out, he resembles a player on the team from which he is a fan. Therefore, not only does he have an illustrious face blanket, but he also is showing his true fandom. This is considered to be one of the highest forms of expression of grown ass manhood. So with that being said, we thank you anonymous Giant's fan for being an outstanding example of what a grown ass man should look like.

Facial Hair Failure: Osama Bin Laden, because he's dead.

New Poll

Every now and again we will have a different poll up for you, as our readers, to participate in. This week we are focusing on famous action heroes that you would like to fight along side of you in a fight. The poll is on the right side of the page under our tweets. Let us know what you think and feel free to comment below with your rationale. If you picked "other" let us know who you would pick and why.

Grown Ass Stadium Etiquette

Well, baseball season is upon us once again, and unless you're from Chicago you're probably paying attention to it. As the weather tweaks itself ever closer to the point of relatively consistent, your desire to skip school or work to hang out at the ball park will soon enough be too much to bear. And so I beseech you:

Submit yourself to Stadium Etiquette

This post will be drawing from the wisdom of a few others, including Grown Ass Consumption, Shallow Conversations, Bathroom Etiquette, etc, because the Stadium Experience is a microcosm of the entirety of life, and it is a wonderful opportunity to practice the ethic of Grown Ass Manhood.

First, a Grown Ass Man submits himself to the governing authority... Take off your hat during the National Anthem. Are you a conscientious objector to one or all of the wars in which this country is engaged? I can respect that. Take of your stupid hat, man. Are you a patriot or veteran? That brings me to my next point...

The Stadium is a happy place... NO PUNCHING!

The recent phenomenon of the crowd trying to drown out the singer is, like most of life, both hilarious and confusing. Take this rare chance to practice yelling as loudly as you possibly can, that skill comes in handy every now and again.

Once the game commences, booing and teasing the closest fielder is expected, regardless of your particular affiliation. You hear that Soriano? You're a bum! Let's go Cubbies!

Limit yourself to 1 beer per inning.

When leaving your seat, always side-shuffle past the knees of your neighbors with your mound towards the pitcher's mound... If someone gives you the belt buckle on their way to the aisle, remember, The Stadium is a happy place... NO PUNCHING!

For Stadium Bathroom Etiquette, please refer to Benjamanly's post. One note, if you find yourself at Wrigley, all urinal rules are out the window... Just hold your breath, shoulder up and unload in that trough.

While in line at the concession stand, feel free to practice your shallow conversation skills... There is no purer forum. One helpful tip: try to let your surroundings guide your topic choices. In The Stadium, most men are wearing advertisements for the only thing they want to talk about. Don't bring up the NFL draft unless your line friend's apparel suggests he gives a crap.

Make a game of seeing how much food and drink you can bring back by yourself. At the park with 10 friends? Don't bring someone to help with the beer run. Get out those boxes and stack em up. In this vein, if you are the unlucky one going on the beer run, you are absolutely allowed to drink some from every cup and claim it was to keep it from spilling. They will know you are lying, but they can't get mad about it.

It is absolutely ok to gingerly stack peanut shells on the shoulder of the person sitting in front of you.

Never, ever, participate in the wave. As a generation, we can eradicate this practice. Leave it for the hipsters to ironically revive in the 40's.

Try to start a funny or clever chant, but like beer, please, one per inning.

Don't bug that guy who wears a walkman and keeps his own score. He's legit. Very few baseball purists remain.

Any tips I'm forgetting? What about some Adult Male Stadium Tendencies you've noticed?

Grown Ass Gripe: Royal Wedding

What is the deal with the Royal Wedding?

As a grown ass man I am well aware of current events going on around the world. Unrest in the Middle East? Got it. Egypt is going nuts? Understood. Earthquakes in Haiti and Japan? I know all about it. Royal Wedding? Who cares? If I wanted to know what anybody in England was doing I would Google it. (Even Google's homepage is pushing this event on me!) I don't know about you but I feel like enough is enough.

I understand it is kind of a big deal that Prince William is getting married, but really Lifetime? You are going to make a movie based on the love story of William and that other girl? Really YouTube? You are going to stream the wedding live on your website? Really random housewives? You are going to have a Royal Wedding party at your place? They are 6 hours ahead of the Eastern Standard Time Zone.

Not to sound like I'm putting myself up with a prince but nobody held house parties for my wedding. Hey random housewives, you and I have just as much relation to each other as you and Prince William. Where's the love? I barely wanted to be at my own wedding, why would I care about a stranger's wedding?

I know that the royal line is a big deal in England but don't they have parliament? What is the point of the royal family except tradition? Let's stop overhyping this pointless tradition. Get your act together England.

On top of all the non-stop news about this love affair and marriage, every TV station is pulling out all their old Princess Diana clips and stories to reuse during this time. With all the coverage of Princess Diana you would think that she was going to be attending the wedding too.

There is a silver lining to this overexposed media frenzy. There is some chance to express your grown ass manhood during all of this forced wedding exposure. There have come about several different chances to place bets and even drinking games have been invented for the event. Here are some things people are betting on the grown ass men typically don't care about but now they do. So if you are forced to be more exposed to it because of a significant other, you will at least have this to pay attention to.

• What color will the Queen's hat be?
• Will the prince be left at the altar?
• How long will the bride's train be?
• Will any of the royal family fall asleep?
• How many times will they mention Princess Diana?

These among others may help you get through all the media coverage of this event. What other things would you bet on? Can you create some other rules for a drinking game for this event or possibly any other weddings?

Grown Ass Moments in History

On this day in 1986, the Chernobyl Atomic Power Station in Pripyat, Ukraine exploded. Tragically, 31 communists died and unknown thousands of potential supervillians were created, only to have their potential nemeses swept out from under them in a matter of a few years with the removal of the Berlin Wall. (If we had only waited a few more years the Cold War could have been epic).

Which animal or inanimate object do you wish was there that fateful day and would bite you?
I think I wish a bear fell asleep on a microwave during the explosion, so that the bear could heat things up... And then the bear bit me, so that I could grow bear claws and be super strong, and heat things up.

Also, do you remember the comic/live action movie/cartoon The Toxic Avengers? Me too. I hope that doesn't happen. Gross.

What About Bathroom Etiquette?

I was inspired by a recent post we had about public restrooms to come out with a code of ethics when it comes to a grown ass man using a bathroom. There are many men who would laugh at the idea of practicing etiquette when it comes to the restroom, but these are Adult Males who don't know better.

Let me mention that this is dedicated mostly to public restrooms. It is important to note that all bathroom etiquette will probably be thrown out the window at any sporting event.

First, let's talk about urinal practices. Using a urinal can be a tricky thing, but not if you follow these simple rules.

1. Always stand at least one urinal apart from another man, always helpful to have odd number of urinals
2. The further you distance yourself from restroom traffic, the better
3. Never look to your right or left, especially when forced to go next to another user
4. Keep conversation to a minimum
5. Limit yourself to two shakes, no exceptions

How about the porcelain throne? Although it is up to one's own discretion whether or not to even poop in public as a Grown Ass Man, there are still rules to follow when one finds himself in this situation.

1. Much like urinals, the more isolated one is, the better.
2. Be courteous, don't use the handicap stall
3. Remember, you are not giving birth, Adult Males love to grunt and grown as they go #2
4. Ignore all foot tapping directed towards your stall.
5. Use TP sparingly, clogging the toilet, especially in public is a no no (although if done without much TP is a point of pride for some Grown Ass Men)
6. The need to double flush is also a sense of pride

Some points to clarify:

• All Grown Ass Men wash their hands, only Adult Males consider the quick rinse and dry as a viable option
• Consider all chances to use a Dyson Air Blade as a treat that is to be taken full advantage of
• Grown Ass Men prefer air dryers to paper, but if paper is an option they take a limited amount and make sure it goes in the garbage
• When at sporting events/bars keep alert for stray pee that could possibly be soaking your shoe, also, don't be that guy
• It is up to the Grown Ass Man's discretion whether or not to tip a man who works in fancy bathrooms as a towel guy

What are some guidelines you follow for bathroom etiquette? How do you behave in your bathroom at home? What about gas station bathrooms? We'd love to hear from you.

A Grown Ass Bucket List

This is not my Bucket List. But it could be my bucket list. Or yours. This is just an example of the kinds of things a Grown Ass Man would like to do before he dies. That being said, a few of these actually are on my own list.

Fight my clone to the death
Punch a cop... hopefully like this: Move to NY, become a firefighter, learn to play ice hockey, join the FDNY hockey team, play in the game against NYPD, start a fight
Touch a shark
Throw a boomerang properly
Ride a giraffe like a horse
Win the World Series of Poker
Design and build a house with my own hands
Win a mustache-off
Drink an Old Style at each bar in Chicago that has a swinging Old Style sign out front
Take a taxi across the country like these guys
Wrestle an alligator-wrestler
Drive a tank into the side of a building
The Pointer-saurus
Jump onto and/or off of a moving train
Start a business that lets people foot-joust on parallel zip-lines
Eat most of something I've killed, sell the rest as jerky
Fake my death
Own an ice cream shop that hosts food challenges
Take up Falconing
Become a different race through method-acting

Just a few ideas. Leave a comment, tell us what you'd add.

Grown Ass Man of the Week

G.A.M. of the Week

Look at this grown ass man as he sweats from his face, winning the jalapeno eating championship.

Grown Ass Quandary

Pooping in a public restroom can be either the best or worst part of a Grown Ass Man's day.
There are, as caricatured by George Castanza, Grown Ass Men who know of and frequent the fancier and more accommodating P.R.'s, while avoiding the dingy, nasty, poopy ones.

A few factors weighed in a grown ass man's restroom rubric:

Overall Aroma
Overall Cleanliness
Throne Height
Ambient Noise - both for comfort and coverup.
Temperature
Towels vs. Airdryer (Or the rare treat: Dyson Airblade)
Width of T.P.

These are quite standard qualities hoped for in a P.R., but there is another pooping preference among grown ass men: seat color.

You see, discussions of public pooping places raises an important distinction between Grown Ass Men and Adult Males...

When provided, both Grown Ass Men and Adult Males will utilize the "ass-gaskets" (that single-use, tissue paper barrier). When not provided, however, a Grown Ass Man will NOT fashion his own!

There are typically two basic presuppositions underlying this truth. First, building your own glutes-guard from 3" strips of rough rags wastes entirely too much time. Second, grown ass men subconsciously object to wasting T.P. While an Adult Male has no qualms with wadding up handful after handful, a Grown Ass Man will, without even thinking, fold and refold several times before flushing.

So, back to seat color preference. Given the Grown Ass Man's aversion to building his own butt barrier, color factors into bare-backing the bowl. While no one here at the GrownAssBlog is feigning unanimity, every Grown Ass Man does indeed have a preference.

So, the quandary:

Do you prefer the white seat, so you can see what you're about to get yourself into?
Or do you prefer the black seat, maintaining that ignorance is bliss?

I, for one, prefer black. Whenever presented with a white seat, I find myself studying it at length, and I just don't need that extra stress in my life.

What About Social Media?

What about...? There are many things in life that raise questions in our minds, especially as grown ass men. When these questions arise in our lives we need to be able to take a stance one way or another. Here at the grown ass blog we have decided to help you, as grown ass men, to provide you with answers to different life questions. As these come up we will continue to add to these "what about?" statements.

Today we are going to focus on social media. As grown ass men we love technology. With technology comes better and faster ways to connect. Today we are bombarded with all kinds of social media: twitter, facebook, flickr, blogging, youtube, myspace and linkedin (just to name a few). How do we as grown ass men feel about this explosion of social media in today's culture?

It has become essential in our lives to be able to share information at the click of a button. I can see pictures of my nephew on facebook with three or four clicks. I can share a great video of a grown ass man with you with a few clicks. I can even fill your twitter feed with a few keystrokes and a click. Sure, grown ass men find social media important, but there are guidelines. How far is too far? How do grown ass men behave on social media? Listed below is a set of guidelines by which a grown ass man follows when it comes to his social media.

• No grown ass men are on myspace
• Status updates/twitter updates do not share more than what people care about
• Even though grown ass men are leaders, it is acceptable to follow others on twitter
• Try to have more followers on twitter than you are following
• No stalking shall be allowed on facebook
• No photo albums on facebook dedicated to pictures that you have taken of yourself
• Sharing pictures of pets/babies is encouraged
• Be mindful of your posts on facebook if you are friends with your grandma
• Don't be afraid to ignore facebook chat messages
• Emoticons are allowed, but not to excess
• There needs to be at least one photo of you with a beer in your hand
• Share at least one funny/informative internet sites that you have found online
• Grown ass men don't poke others on facebook
• A grown ass man does not follow a Hilton or Kardashian on twitter
• Communication is preferred in real life, not practiced heavily through social media
• No whiney posts, grown ass men don't whine
• "Liking" something on facebook is acceptable, but keep to minimum
• "Liking" your own facebook status is completely forbidden
• Never spend more than 5 minutes coming up with a facebook status/twitter update
• Nothing should be put in all caps, unless you are trying to convey anger
• Excess punctuation is frowned upon (ex. I am so excited for camping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

This is an abbreviated list of guidelines that should help you, as a grown ass man, navigate your way through the vast world of social media. Do you have any other suggestions? Please comment below with any additions or arguments against the guidelines. We'd also appreciate feedback as to other issues that you would like to see talked about in future "what about?" posts.

Grown Ass Man of the Week

A bit delayed but this guy is a genius. A grown ass man would probably try to do this at home.

Filled with Grown Ass Giddyness

Thanks to my Grown Ass Friend, Patrick Ryan, for passing this our way! A magical wonderland of grown ass proportions... a place for running, jumping, flipping, playing. A Parkour Playground.

This brings up an interesting yet previously unmentioned grown ass axiom: A Grown Ass Man is a kid at heart. The only difference between grown ass little kid me and the me I am today is about 20 years of exhilarating, terrifying, near-death experiences.

As you know, grown ass little kids have no sense of danger. Climb a tree and attempt to backflip out of it, you say? Dizzy up both a cat and yourself and try to wrestle it, you say? Speaking of wrestling... Pretend your upper bunk is the top turn-buckle, your brother laying on the floor is the Ultimate Warrior, and your elbow belongs to the Macho Man, you say? A Grown Ass Little Kid has done all of these many, many times.

Grown Ass Little Kids are not to be confused with Children, mind you... Children look both ways before crossing the street. Children do dumb things like "walk". Children don't trade bodily punishment for candy or eat potentially poisonous lunch bombs for money. (Most likely to buy candy)

Children, and unfortunately Grown Ass Little Kids who lose their way, grow up to become Adult Males. They are behaviorally conditioned to do things in a safe, civilized, politically correct way.

Here's a few scenarios, and the respective ways an Adult Male and a Grown Ass Man would handle them:

It's Fall again, and you're up on your roof cleaning your gutters. You forgot your gloves, and the leaves look pretty gunky and slimy. 

Adult Male securely grips the ladder with both hands and descends, one rung at a time, to the ground where he retrieves his gloves.

Grown Ass Man cannonballs from the roof into his pool, and then retrieves his gloves.

You witness an armed robbery on the street from about 20 yards away.


Adult Male calls the Police, and stays put in case they need a statement when they arrive.

Grown Ass Man calls the Police, and stays put in case they need a statement when they arrive, and while waiting day-dreams of confronting the attacker who dashes down an alley, quickly scaling a pad-locked chain link fence, zig-zagging around dumpsters, climbing a fire escape and jumping from rooftop to rooftop until he slips, is hanging from the ledge and the G.A.M. helps his back up to safety, and hands him off to the police so he can break the fourth wall to make some hilarious comment and then make out with the mugging victim.

You are leaving the grocery store.


Adult Male walks carefully back to his car in the straightest possible path, avoiding eye contact with fellow pedestrians and staying away from the cars.

Grown Ass Man rides his cart over toward the cars and jumps off onto the first in a series of cement parking blocks, which he runs along, in series, as fast as he can without touching the ground, usually throwing in a 360 or two. The woman in his life rolls her eyes and fetches the runaway cart before it dings a Land Rover.

There's a lesson or two, here, I think:

1. Don't let your Grown Ass Little Kids grow up to become Adult Males.
2. Park your Land Rover really far away from the grocery store.

Hit us up with the craziest things you've done as a Grown Ass Little Kid, or as a Grown Ass Man!

A Few Changes

We here at the Grown Ass Blog would like to thank you first of all for your traffic on our site here. It gives us encouragement that over 400 people so far have been transformed by our musings. We just wanted to give you a heads up to some changes.

First of all, we have added a rating scale underneath each new post for you to tell us what you think of it. We have also added a way to email it to people and share it on other social media sites. On top of that, now anyone can comment on our blog posts, not just registered users. So now you have no excuse for not giving us some feedback.

We have also given you the ability to sign up for our posts via email on the right side of the page. Underneath that we have given you some of our contact information and twitter address for you to follow as well. We would love to hear about any other things you think should be added to this blog. Feel free to comment below and let us know what you think. Thanks.

-Grown Ass Bloggers

Facial Hair Shout Out

As we continue our series of Facial Hair Shout Outs we focus today on a true Grown Ass Man. Kimbo Slice is a Bahamian-American mixed martial arts expert who rose through the ranks to become one of the most recognized names in Ultimate Fighting. He was known originally as a street fighter who gained popularity through the internet. If that wasn't manly enough, look at that glorious face fur. His muscular frame may be intimidating, but it is that facial 'fro that defeats his competitors before he even enters the ring. Thank you Kimbo Slice for being an outstanding example of what a grown ass man should look like.

Shameful Facial Fuzz: Paul Pierce and Michael Jordan's new 'stache which looks eerily similar to another famous person in history (get it together MJ)

Making Decisions

What should we do next?

To most Adult Males this can be a terrifying question, but to a grown ass man this is a chance to prove his worth.

Every grown ass man is inevitably put into situations in his life where he needs to make decisions for himself and others. These situations typically occur when all others in the group refuse to make a choice, either out of fear or lack of information. These situations are times when we separate the men from the boys, the Adult Males from the Grown Ass Men. Adult Males typically flee from these situations, while grown ass men embrace them.

Obvious assertion: grown ass men love "choose your own adventure" books specifically because they allow them to practice making life-altering decisions

Let's walk together through one possible scenario where a grown ass man asserts his grown ass manhood and makes an informed decision. Before we dive in, it is important to realize that these scenarios can vary from mild, day-to-day decisions to cheating death scenarios. A grown ass man takes all scenarios as equal, never wavering in his confidence in his decision.

Mild Scenario:

A group of friends has decided to hang out for the evening. Within this group of friends exists at least one Adult Male and one Grown Ass Man. Although this group wants to hang out they are not sure what they want to do. Should they go out on the town? A movie sounds good, right? Maybe they should just stay in and play some drinking games.

An Adult Male has a typical response: "I don't care, it doesn't matter to me."

Indecision? Uncertainty? What kind of man doesn't care when it comes to having a good time, especially when it involves some adult beverages?

Another man steps up and has an opinion.

A Grown Ass Man has an idea: "Let's get some half-off appetizers at Applebee's, possibly pre-gaming with a brewtus or two, then come back to the house for some adult beverage competitions with some good music playing that keeps the party going."

Woah! Everyone else who is present has just had their mind blown. Look at what happens in this proposed solution: cheap food is served, everyone gets to go out for a little while, there is still consuming of adult beverages, plus there is music! Everyone is happy. Whether it is apparent or not, a lot of thinking went into this informed decision.

This is just one scenario where a grown ass man makes decisions. There are other scenarios that may force you to choose one thing over another or to do something a bit unorthodox.

Obvious assertion: grown ass men thrive in unorthodox situations.

Now that you have established your grown ass manhood by making a decision you may be forced to rationalize your decision. Although no grown ass man should need to explain why he does what he does, here are some statements that, when stated confidently, rationalize your decisions:

• I read it in a magazine
• I saw it on Discovery Channel
• I've done this before (whether or not you have done this before is not important)
• (insert friend or relative here) did the same thing and it worked out fine
• When all else fails: I'm a grown ass man!

Obvious assertion: The Ghostbusters are grown ass men because they are who you are gonna call

What decisions have you made that asserted yourself as a grown ass man? Under what circumstances was it? What was your rationale for this decision?

Grown Ass Man March

Here is just a picture I stumbled upon of some grown ass men marching for a purpose. This picture is connected to a post several days ago referring to Prohibition. These grown ass men knew what they wanted and they wanted it now. This is a metaphor for the life of a grown ass man. If a grown ass man sees injustice, in any aspect of life, he works to correct that injustice and restore order. Here are just a few causes that a grown ass man can get behind:

• Invisible Children
• Amnesty International
• International Justice Mission
• Blood Water Mission

These are just a few organizations and causes that a grown ass man can get behind. What other causes can you as a grown ass man get behind?

On Pooping in the Woods, and Other Grown Ass Activities

Three of the Grown Ass Authors who contribute to this blog, as well as the women in our lives and some more friends took a trip to the woods this weekend. We return well-rested, well-fed, and chock-full of nuggets of grown ass wisdom to impart to you, dear readers.

Camping is a time-honored tradition of Grown Ass Manhood, and with good reason. Scarcely else can one find more of a grown ass man's interests and favorite activities all in one weekend... existing shirtlessly, playing with fire, hiking, drinking beer, throwing hatchets, grilling meats, trying to grill every other food item, connecting to nature, refusing sunblock, overusing bugspray, not changing your clothes, sleeping outside, whittling or otherwise playing with knives, road trips, and finally, not using the bathroom.

Unfortunately, as is the case with just about every awesome thing, modern marketing and consumerism are overselling and underestimating Adult Males with regards to camping equipment and provisions, potentially preventing them from asserting their Grown Ass Manhood all over the woods.

Here's a few things I saw in the camping aisle at Walmart:

• Camping Toilet - This is literally a toilet seat (with lid!) that rests on four short legs. So, you know, you can pretend you're civilized while you poop onto the ground or into a hole. Are we really at the point in human history that we need to bring toilets with us on camping trips? Humans are anatomically capable of relatively comfortably squatting for evacuation. If you don't really wanna poop in the woods, bring an RV with you, or go back to town and find a nice Dollar General to business in.
• Screened-In Gazebo - Four screened walls and a tarp roof. Is it still camping if you manage to avoid sun, rain, and bugs? The package should have read, "Sit on your porch... in the woods!"
• Camping Dishes - Plates, Mugs, Cups, Tumblers, Pots, Pans, Griddles, Utensils, Coffee Makers, Bowls, etc. I'm sorry, but I don't know a person alive that doesn't already own all of these things without having "Coleman" written on every item. And even if they didn't, two words can fulfill almost every single one of these duties: Aluminum Foil.

The more Adult Males let megamarts tell them what to bring camping, the more their campsites will resemble their college dormrooms--before you know it, campsites will offer DSL and Cable next to their electrical outlets and water pumps.

What's the most ridiculous thing you've ever seen while camping or in a camping store/aisle?

Grown Ass Style Tip: Hair Length

Tasteful grooming is paramount to Grown Ass Manhood. As such, here are some simple guidelines to ensure that you possess a Grown Ass Haircut:

1. Hair shall not exceed eyebrow length. An exception exists for men who maintain meticulously parted coifs. Longer hair is often required for a proper side part, but the hair may only lay below the brow following a robust session of coitus.

2. Buzz cuts are acceptable in all circumstances.

3. Short hair should not shine for any reason.

4. One color. Natural.

5. A hot water rinse is an acceptable substitute for a shower in order to remedy hat hair in emergency situations.

Grown Ass Consumption of Adult Beverages

As a grown ass man, I can speak with authority that Grown Ass Men love a good drink. Much like our fathers before us, and their fathers before them, Grown ass men throughout history have been imbibing of spirits for various occasions. The joy of partaking in the festivities of drinking is the broad spectrum of social and personal events that enable one to enjoy their favorite beverage.

Think back amongst yourselves; was it at a wedding, house party, or just at 2 am after breaking in to your old man's liquor cabinet that you first had your taste of your favorite nectar? Personally, I remember my first Scotch in the same way that I hope to remember my first child; A delightful, beautiful moment in retrospect, while at the time possibly a bit messy… It's all right, Grown Ass Men are honest and forthcoming… It may not have been a great experience, but It sure was not a deterrent either. So into the wild valley of Adult Beverages I journeyed, as many have before.

Grown ass men and Adult Beverages go together like biscuits and gravy. With that said, a grown ass man knows how to handle himself around the drink. As a man who works with youth on a pretty constant basis, I fear future generation of men will be deceived into thinking that The Situation is a solid example of proper drinking habit. This fear has been realized by an individual near to my heart; my brother-in-law.

Durring a recent correspondence, I was made aware of his recent escapades involving a bottle of UV Blue, His roommates nose and cell phone, and 2 of those things being broken.(Hint, it was not the bottle) I know that we've all been in similar situations personally, Mine involved 2 bottles of Boones Farm and a Handle of Skol Vodka and ended with projectile vomiting in my then Girl Friends Dorm. Now maybe it's just the over protective brother-in-law in me, or maybe its my deep desire to not watch people follow mistakes I've made, But really, I fear these things are becoming more and more socially acceptable.

I fear that gone are the days of being a social outcast for filling your room mate's shoes with gently used Rum and Dominos Pizza, instead society is praising these types of non-grown ass man drinking experiences.

At some point, Adult Males everywhere need to learn how and when it is appropriate to drink. With that in mind I propose a solid list of times to scale back and also times to let it rip:

1)Work Event? Unless your boss is your best friend, drinking in excess around him is out of the question.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Order a Scotch neat and chat him up about how to increase company productivity

2) Weekend Camping Trip? Grab the cooler and fill'er up!
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Remember the first beer you snatched from your old man? Yeah grab some ice and a case of Stroh's and enjoy some solid time in nature. (Just remember, Grown Ass Men respect their surroundings so clean up the empties.)

3)Are you around your significant other's parents/ family? Lock it up.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Bring a 6 Pack of Solid Locally Brewed Beer to share… the key here is the sharing, don't drink 5 of them and hand out 1.

4)Is it March 17th? If so, belly up.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Stroll on down to your favorite public house and have the barkeep pull a pint of your favorite stout or ale. Just don't be the guy drinking green beer, Remember, You're a grown ass man.

5)Out on the town with a special lady? Unless she enjoys carrying you home on her back, scale it down champ.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Nice Dinner and a Bottle of Shiraz.

6)Weekend Bachelor Party with the guys? Let Loose.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion:Celebrate! Grab a Grown Ass Bottle of Red Breast and nurse it like mothers milk for 48-72 hours.

There is a time and place for the grown ass man to drink and drink hard, but those are few and far between. As grown ass men, we leave week long benders and binge drinking to the boys.

As the Apostle Paul once wrote:

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I understood like a child, I reasoned like a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Solid advice from a historic grown ass man.

Hit us up with a comment of suggested Scale it Backs or Let it Rips.

It's Friday... Friday.

In light of our recent # from our Twitter account, #thingsagrownassmanhasincommonwithrebeccablack, I reckon there needs to be a crucial distinction: Grown Ass Men may have many things in common with our friend Rebecca, but there is at least ONE area in which we differ greatly; Grown Ass Men are hardly indecisive when it comes to car seat choice. In fact, one of the telltale signs of a Grown Ass Man is the uncontrollable habit of loudly choosing his seat as quickly as possible, upon sight of the vehicle in which he is soon to ride.

I'm speaking, of course, about SHOTGUN.

Calling out shotgun is a compulsion experienced by grown ass men, sometimes when he's the only passenger.

Here's some pretty standard SHOTGUN customs:

• The call must be audible to the Driver
• The call cannot be made indoors
• Vehicle must be within sight of caller
• ReCall must be made if successful caller goes back indoors for any reason before entering vehicle
• If current shotgun occupant leaves vehicle for any reason, any other passenger may call shotgun and steal the seat.

Post up some interesting additional or variant rules if your Grown Ass group of friends abide by any.

Shallow Conversations

If there is one thing a grown ass man loves it is shallow conversation. This kind of conversation may also be called "shooting the breeze," or "shooting the poop." It is a way for grown ass men who are not necessarily comfortable with each other or know each other well to connect without doing things like sharing feelings or showing any weaknesses.

These conversations tend to start at social situations that a grown ass man has been forced in to. There are a few situations in life where a grown ass man is out of his element and most formal events that he is forced in to is a good example of this. The good thing about these situations is that there has to be another grown ass man in the same situation feeling the same thing as you. He may be at the bar or hovering around the snack table with a mopey look on their face.

Sharing of names does not typically happen in a shallow conversation. The only time sharing of names takes place is when each man's significant other are friends with each other and you know that you will be hanging out with this dude more in the future. Sharing of names takes the conversation to another level and this is not the purpose of this conversation. This conversation is a "play out the clock" situation.

If you are unfamiliar with a shallow conversation then I will tell you how it starts. Typically it starts by sharing grown ass gripes about the situation that they are both finding themselves in.

man 1 approaches man 2 at bar/snack table

man 1: Do you think if I drink enough/eat enough then I will forget that I'm here

man 2: Maybe. Man this sucks, I'm missing the big game

there is always a big game that a grown ass man is missing out on

From here the conversation takes a turn. It either becomes a discussion on sports where both of them agree on everything, with a few disagreements, or it is a friendly argument on sports that neither of them agree on.

let's continue the conversation

man 1: oh yeah, I hope State pulls off the upset.

man 2: Really? I went to State! I'm a big fan.

From here the shallow conversation continues with reference to the "glory days" of their teams, their favorite players, and favorite moments of their teams. Sometimes, if the situation they are in force more contact and conversation then it could turn to college stories.

let's see where the conversation is at now

man 2: my time at State was ridiculous, we did x once because we were totally wasted

man 1: that's awesome, me and my buddies did y once while we were totally wasted

The conversation continues until it is time to go. When the two grown ass men part ways they know the rules.

1. we probably won't see each other again
2. we probably won't talk ever again
3. we leave with a simple "see ya"

There are some dangers to these shallow conversations. If man 1 walks up to man 2 and man 2 is a "1 upper," a man who has done something you have done but only better and with better results, then man 1 leaves and finds something else to do. If there is nobody to have shallow conversations with then you constantly check things on your phone until the event is over.

This is just one situation in which shallow conversations can occur. What are some situations where you have had a shallow conversation about nothing. Feel free to leave a comment below.

On Being a Healthy Grown Ass Man

A healthy grown ass man? When some think of a grown ass man, they may think of the superfans in the skit from Saturday Night Live who have roundtable discussions about Da Bears. These men eat what they want and do what they want. This is one way a grown ass man can look, but there are other ways of living.

Earlier this week we posted about food in food, referring to many meat options that would make any normal man's heart stop. It is true that most grown ass men do not know their limits with pretty much everything, and do not wish to know, but we also know that man can not live on meat alone. Not all grown ass men eat meat all the time. We also want our vegetarian/vegan grown ass men to have some manly options when it comes to food.

To those grown ass men who want delicious food beyond just a diet of meat I present to you a new option. Not only do these meals give you a healthier option for food but it may also be used as leverage in your next argument with your lady friend. For example:

some argument is going on where the grown ass man is close to being couched

woman: I can't believe you did that thing that upsets me

man: hey listen, it is what it is and I don't know what else to say about that

woman: I just don't understand you, you never think about me and my feelings

man: hey what about last week when I made and ate with you that really healthy meal?

woman: you are right, that was nice, we should make out now

As you can see, this healthy food is more than just good for you, it's good for your relationships.

Check out the meals and let us know what you think.

Grown Ass Moments in History

Today, April 7th, marks the anniversary of the beginning of the end of Prohibition. Adult Males all over the country lined up outside bars waiting for midnight with even more eager anticipation than pimply adolescents waiting for Halo 2. (Remember that?)

Of course, it's not as if many of these Adult Males hadn't actually imbibed in the 13 dry years... after all, many of these Adult Males were also Grown Ass Men.

During the Prohibition, as well as today, Grown Ass Manhood will lead you to bend or break certain laws that attempt to sand down your Grown ass edges, reducing you to simple maleness. Not quite reactionary, not exactly revolutionary, certainly not non-conformist, but simply good-old, grown ass, stick-in-the-muditude. It's hard to change a Grown Ass Man, and it's even harder to tame one.

Here's a list of "illegal" activities that Grown Ass Men, past and present, engage in with incredible frequency:

• Draft Dodging
• Lying to join the military
• Bootlegging
• Stealing Cable
• Illegal Downloading
• Rolling Stop Signs
• Speeding
• Not Paying Parking Meters
• Jaywalking
• Vandalizing Mailboxes
• Public Urination
• Home Poker Games
• Crappy Fireworks Displays
• Shooting Stuff in your Back Yard

Leave a comment and tell us what laws your Grown Ass Manhood leads you commonly break.

Grown Ass Man of the Week

G.A.M. of the Week

The guy who invented this surely put his grown ass brain to work.

Grown Ass Gripe: Introductions

I present to you one of the biggest lies said by millions worldwide every day:

"Nice to meet you."

A true grown ass man does not fib nor embellish, except when describing fish length. However, this seemingly innocuous greeting is no more than empty puffery.

My deepest problem with NTMY is actually not in its untruthfulness. The problem lies in the brevity by which most first encounters are followed and the lack of opportunity to retract your niceties should the situation turn sour. In most NTMY circumstances, the other individual is met only briefly and may disappear from memory shortly thereafter.

However, if the receiver of your NTMY should, for instance, spoil the cranial comfort of a ballcap or besmirch the name of a beloved ancestor, you should be afforded an opportunity to retract what you thought was a pleasant greeting.

Grown ass men deserve this opportunity for frankness, and to be deprived of such is nearly a more grievous crime than the little white lie of "Nice to meet you."

On Food in Food

Earlier today I tweeted about a delicious stuffed treat: a chocolate chip cookie with an Oreo cookie inside it. Here's a delicious picture on the left.
Grown Ass Men love food in food.
Back home in Chicago, my grown ass group of friends adapted a popular french cooking technique, called wrapping, and applied it to grilled or fried meats served sandwich-style. Aptly named MeatWraps, these bun-burdening belly bombs range anywhere from 1 to 5 pounds each, usually incorporating sausages and ground meats according to a particular theme.

Past MeatWrap Success Stories:

• Wisconsin MeatWrap - Beer Brat wrapped in Butterburger, topped with Cheddar Dill Curds, Spicy Ketchup, Pickle Slices on a warm Kaiser Roll.
• Italian MeatWrap - Italian Sausage pan fried in Chili Oil, wrapped in strips of Meatball meat, smothered in Red Sauce, served on a Toasted Garlic-Cheese roll and topped with Cold Spaghetti tossed with Hot Giardiniera.
• SuperBowl MeatWrap (named in honor of its debut) - Bacon Sausage, double wrapped with strips of Blue Cheese Burger meat, Fried, and served on a Garlic Bun slathered with Giardiniera Mayo.

MeatWrap ToDo List:

• Greek MeatWrap - Lamb Kebob, Wrapped in strips of Gyro meat, topped with onion, tomato, and Kalamata olive relish, served on a warm pita slathered with Tzatziki sauce.
• Grown Ass Corn Dog - Corn Dog with Bacon around the dog and then dipped in the batter.

Now that I've ruined whatever you were planning on eating for dinner... Please leave your comments below with ideas to add to the ToDo list!

Quick Shout-out to YouTube - EpicMealTime's Channel for whole-heartedly smelling what Grown Ass Men everywhere are stepping in. Bravo!

Bartering Like a Grown Ass Man

For a grown ass man there is one thing that is imperative that you must know how to do: barter. Bartering, trading, "wheeling and dealing," is part of what makes a grown ass man a grown ass man. The great thing about bartering is that it can be for anything. Take for example the guy who traded a paperclip for a house. I met several grown ass men recently who have bartered for hospital bills, one of them being a serious heart surgery. These are men who could make things happen through the art of the trade.

It is in our nature as grown ass men to look for a deal. Think all the way back to our days on the frontier in America. Bartering is how you survived. "Yeah, I'll give you one box of bullets for 30 lbs of food. I just hope my kids don't get dysentery. Absolutely I'm going to try to ford the river and if I wasn't going to ford I'd at least try to caulk my wagon. I don't need to pay you money to ride your ferry across. I'm a doctor/carpenter/farmer by trade so I can handle it." (As you can see, the Old West was very similar to the game Oregon Trail.) Or what about when you were young in the lunch room and somehow were able to turn a PB&J and a juice box into a lunchables pepperoni pizza and a capri sun. Score!

You see, bartering is exactly what a grown ass man does because it involves so many things. There is the thrill of the pursuit of the thing you desire, plus you get to work on the art of persuasion. You are able to get something new and exciting without sacrificing much at all. Plus there is always a gamble that the offer you put forward will be completely denied by your trading partner. Here is a brief step-by-step process of how a grown ass man gets what he wants through bartering.

Step 1: Identify what it is you want to trade for

Step 2: Find something of little or some value to you and make it seem interesting

Step 3: Convince your trade partner that they can live without their thing, but not without yours

Step 4: If necessary, throw in some arbitrary statement to close the deal like "oh and next time we're out I'll buy you a beer" or "you know you won't be able to find another deal like this"

Step 5: Complete transaction, bask in your grown ass manhood

If this seems a bit confusing, just read chapter two in Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain. That should give you a good start.

Get Yourself a Grown Ass Garden

That's right. Grown Ass Men are great at gardening.

Remember when you were a grown ass little kid and you used to play in the dirt and mud all the time? Yeah, this is the same freakin' thing, only now you know what you're doing and you get to use all the pointy and sharp toys, er, tools you want.

Grown ass gardening is all about the one thing grown ass men of every background love to do: making things better. For instance, you know what's better than weeds? Tomatoes. And so on.

As much as is in their power (which is much), Grown Ass Men always leave things more beautiful than when they found them, except bathrooms.

Getting Couched

There are plenty of risks involved with being a grown ass man whether they be health, safety, or reputation risks. Among these risks comes the possibility of overstepping your bounds and getting couched.

Getting couched can mean literally having to sleep on the couch or more of a figurative couching. Either way, there is a fine line between imposing your grown ass manhood and getting couched. For example, a grown ass man could assert what movie/activity he is doing on a date.

Grown ass man: "Since you like Chinese food we will go to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and then see that hit movie that's out, you know the one that isn't a chick flick."

Couched: "Charlie Sheen is in town on his tour and we are definitely doing that right after our meal at Hooters."

As you can see, the line is thin and can be easily crossed. Just remember, as a grown ass man you are also courteous and have good manners. When you remember to practice those things you can easily avoid the pitfalls that overtake many grown ass men.

I'd like to clear this up...

Grown Ass Men do indeed eat sushi.

Raw or undercooked meats (is sushi meat?) are always encouraged. That being said, the kinds of sushi a grown ass man will eat may need specifying. To illustrate my point, here's two situations:

Adult Male: Hi, yes, we'd like to split the california roll and... the spicy tuna, is that really spicy? oh, um... yeah... can we get a regular tuna roll? White wine should go nicely with that, we'd like a bottle of pinot grigio too, please.

Grown Ass Man: Yes, I'd like the tiger roll, a dragon roll... the spicy tuna, is that really spicy? oh, um... i brought some sriracha, so yeah, that's fine, and two centaur rolls. White wine should go nicely with that, we'd like a bottle of pinot grigio too, please. Honey, what are you going to have?

Facial Hair Shout Out

In honor of Opening Day yesterday we present to you our first ever facial hair shout out. Today we salute Rollie Fingers not only for his Hall of Fame career, but for his majestic grown ass man-stache. Thank you Rollie Fingers for being an outstanding example of what a grown ass man should look like.

Special Mentions: Kevin Youkilis, Brian Wilson, and Lou Brown (coach from Major League)

Grown Ass Man of the Week

G.A.M. of the Week

This guy is amazing. At everything.

Circumstances Under Which to Assert Your Grown Ass Manhood

1. When the woman in your life tells you not to have another helping of whatever.
2. When someone asks you why you just did that thing you just did.
3. A mirror.
4. When the frequency of your showering is called into question.
5. Right before you buy or adopt a tiny dog.
6. When someone asks you if you need a hand. Even if you need a hand.
7. To justify the ridiculous challenges to which you commit with other Grown Ass Men.
8. When you blow a stop sign.
9. When you want the whole side of the booth to yourself.
10. When you haven't eaten a green vegetable in a week.

Things That Define a Grown Ass Man

First things first, welcome to the grown ass blog where grown ass men have some grown ass talk about grown ass issues. You may be asking yourself, "what is a grown ass man?" Well, I'm glad you asked because I am here to answer that question. A grown ass man is defined by what he does and says. For instance, if a grown ass man is tired he does not say, "oh boy am I tired, I'm gonna hit the hay," rather he says, "I think I'm gonna go pass out." Or how about instead of, "wow I'm hungry we should order a pizza," rather he says "I'm starving, I'm ordering that 5-5-5 deal from Dominos. That should be enough right?"

Here is a list of a few things that could define a grown ass man:

he eats meat at every meal

he eats one more plate then his stomach can handle

he has seen at least two Rocky movies

he loves to eat food that he will regret eating later

he doesn't spend more that 10 minutes getting ready in the morning

he knows his state capitals

he has at least a theory on how to fix everything that has ever been broken

he has made at least one thing with his own hands

he has a cool scar or cut to show off

he takes his coffee black

he has entered at least one eating contest in his life

he has at least two different crazy ideas that would make a normal woman leave him

he has ever sweat from his face because of his food

These, among many others, define what a grown ass man is (and hopefully who you as the reader are)