Grown Ass Stadium Etiquette

Well, baseball season is upon us once again, and unless you're from Chicago you're probably paying attention to it. As the weather tweaks itself ever closer to the point of relatively consistent, your desire to skip school or work to hang out at the ball park will soon enough be too much to bear. And so I beseech you:

Submit yourself to Stadium Etiquette

This post will be drawing from the wisdom of a few others, including Grown Ass Consumption, Shallow Conversations, Bathroom Etiquette, etc, because the Stadium Experience is a microcosm of the entirety of life, and it is a wonderful opportunity to practice the ethic of Grown Ass Manhood.

First, a Grown Ass Man submits himself to the governing authority... Take off your hat during the National Anthem. Are you a conscientious objector to one or all of the wars in which this country is engaged? I can respect that. Take of your stupid hat, man. Are you a patriot or veteran? That brings me to my next point...

The Stadium is a happy place... NO PUNCHING!

The recent phenomenon of the crowd trying to drown out the singer is, like most of life, both hilarious and confusing. Take this rare chance to practice yelling as loudly as you possibly can, that skill comes in handy every now and again.

Once the game commences, booing and teasing the closest fielder is expected, regardless of your particular affiliation. You hear that Soriano? You're a bum! Let's go Cubbies!

Limit yourself to 1 beer per inning.

When leaving your seat, always side-shuffle past the knees of your neighbors with your mound towards the pitcher's mound... If someone gives you the belt buckle on their way to the aisle, remember, The Stadium is a happy place... NO PUNCHING!

For Stadium Bathroom Etiquette, please refer to Benjamanly's post. One note, if you find yourself at Wrigley, all urinal rules are out the window... Just hold your breath, shoulder up and unload in that trough.

While in line at the concession stand, feel free to practice your shallow conversation skills... There is no purer forum. One helpful tip: try to let your surroundings guide your topic choices. In The Stadium, most men are wearing advertisements for the only thing they want to talk about. Don't bring up the NFL draft unless your line friend's apparel suggests he gives a crap.

Make a game of seeing how much food and drink you can bring back by yourself. At the park with 10 friends? Don't bring someone to help with the beer run. Get out those boxes and stack em up. In this vein, if you are the unlucky one going on the beer run, you are absolutely allowed to drink some from every cup and claim it was to keep it from spilling. They will know you are lying, but they can't get mad about it.

It is absolutely ok to gingerly stack peanut shells on the shoulder of the person sitting in front of you.

Never, ever, participate in the wave. As a generation, we can eradicate this practice. Leave it for the hipsters to ironically revive in the 40's.

Try to start a funny or clever chant, but like beer, please, one per inning.

Don't bug that guy who wears a walkman and keeps his own score. He's legit. Very few baseball purists remain.

Any tips I'm forgetting? What about some Adult Male Stadium Tendencies you've noticed?