New Poll

Every now and again we will have a different poll up for you, as our readers, to participate in. This week we are focusing on famous action heroes that you would like to fight along side of you in a fight. The poll is on the right side of the page under our tweets. Let us know what you think and feel free to comment below with your rationale. If you picked "other" let us know who you would pick and why.

Grown Ass Stadium Etiquette

Well, baseball season is upon us once again, and unless you're from Chicago you're probably paying attention to it. As the weather tweaks itself ever closer to the point of relatively consistent, your desire to skip school or work to hang out at the ball park will soon enough be too much to bear. And so I beseech you:

Submit yourself to Stadium Etiquette

This post will be drawing from the wisdom of a few others, including Grown Ass Consumption, Shallow Conversations, Bathroom Etiquette, etc, because the Stadium Experience is a microcosm of the entirety of life, and it is a wonderful opportunity to practice the ethic of Grown Ass Manhood.

First, a Grown Ass Man submits himself to the governing authority... Take off your hat during the National Anthem. Are you a conscientious objector to one or all of the wars in which this country is engaged? I can respect that. Take of your stupid hat, man. Are you a patriot or veteran? That brings me to my next point...

The Stadium is a happy place... NO PUNCHING!

The recent phenomenon of the crowd trying to drown out the singer is, like most of life, both hilarious and confusing. Take this rare chance to practice yelling as loudly as you possibly can, that skill comes in handy every now and again.

Once the game commences, booing and teasing the closest fielder is expected, regardless of your particular affiliation. You hear that Soriano? You're a bum! Let's go Cubbies!

Limit yourself to 1 beer per inning.

When leaving your seat, always side-shuffle past the knees of your neighbors with your mound towards the pitcher's mound... If someone gives you the belt buckle on their way to the aisle, remember, The Stadium is a happy place... NO PUNCHING!

For Stadium Bathroom Etiquette, please refer to Benjamanly's post. One note, if you find yourself at Wrigley, all urinal rules are out the window... Just hold your breath, shoulder up and unload in that trough.

While in line at the concession stand, feel free to practice your shallow conversation skills... There is no purer forum. One helpful tip: try to let your surroundings guide your topic choices. In The Stadium, most men are wearing advertisements for the only thing they want to talk about. Don't bring up the NFL draft unless your line friend's apparel suggests he gives a crap.

Make a game of seeing how much food and drink you can bring back by yourself. At the park with 10 friends? Don't bring someone to help with the beer run. Get out those boxes and stack em up. In this vein, if you are the unlucky one going on the beer run, you are absolutely allowed to drink some from every cup and claim it was to keep it from spilling. They will know you are lying, but they can't get mad about it.

It is absolutely ok to gingerly stack peanut shells on the shoulder of the person sitting in front of you.

Never, ever, participate in the wave. As a generation, we can eradicate this practice. Leave it for the hipsters to ironically revive in the 40's.

Try to start a funny or clever chant, but like beer, please, one per inning.

Don't bug that guy who wears a walkman and keeps his own score. He's legit. Very few baseball purists remain.

Any tips I'm forgetting? What about some Adult Male Stadium Tendencies you've noticed?

Grown Ass Gripe: Royal Wedding

What is the deal with the Royal Wedding?

As a grown ass man I am well aware of current events going on around the world. Unrest in the Middle East? Got it. Egypt is going nuts? Understood. Earthquakes in Haiti and Japan? I know all about it. Royal Wedding? Who cares? If I wanted to know what anybody in England was doing I would Google it. (Even Google's homepage is pushing this event on me!) I don't know about you but I feel like enough is enough.

I understand it is kind of a big deal that Prince William is getting married, but really Lifetime? You are going to make a movie based on the love story of William and that other girl? Really YouTube? You are going to stream the wedding live on your website? Really random housewives? You are going to have a Royal Wedding party at your place? They are 6 hours ahead of the Eastern Standard Time Zone.

Not to sound like I'm putting myself up with a prince but nobody held house parties for my wedding. Hey random housewives, you and I have just as much relation to each other as you and Prince William. Where's the love? I barely wanted to be at my own wedding, why would I care about a stranger's wedding?

I know that the royal line is a big deal in England but don't they have parliament? What is the point of the royal family except tradition? Let's stop overhyping this pointless tradition. Get your act together England.

On top of all the non-stop news about this love affair and marriage, every TV station is pulling out all their old Princess Diana clips and stories to reuse during this time. With all the coverage of Princess Diana you would think that she was going to be attending the wedding too.

There is a silver lining to this overexposed media frenzy. There is some chance to express your grown ass manhood during all of this forced wedding exposure. There have come about several different chances to place bets and even drinking games have been invented for the event. Here are some things people are betting on the grown ass men typically don't care about but now they do. So if you are forced to be more exposed to it because of a significant other, you will at least have this to pay attention to.

• What color will the Queen's hat be?
• Will the prince be left at the altar?
• How long will the bride's train be?
• Will any of the royal family fall asleep?
• How many times will they mention Princess Diana?

These among others may help you get through all the media coverage of this event. What other things would you bet on? Can you create some other rules for a drinking game for this event or possibly any other weddings?

Grown Ass Moments in History

On this day in 1986, the Chernobyl Atomic Power Station in Pripyat, Ukraine exploded. Tragically, 31 communists died and unknown thousands of potential supervillians were created, only to have their potential nemeses swept out from under them in a matter of a few years with the removal of the Berlin Wall. (If we had only waited a few more years the Cold War could have been epic).

Which animal or inanimate object do you wish was there that fateful day and would bite you?
I think I wish a bear fell asleep on a microwave during the explosion, so that the bear could heat things up... And then the bear bit me, so that I could grow bear claws and be super strong, and heat things up.

Also, do you remember the comic/live action movie/cartoon The Toxic Avengers? Me too. I hope that doesn't happen. Gross.

What About Bathroom Etiquette?

I was inspired by a recent post we had about public restrooms to come out with a code of ethics when it comes to a grown ass man using a bathroom. There are many men who would laugh at the idea of practicing etiquette when it comes to the restroom, but these are Adult Males who don't know better.

Let me mention that this is dedicated mostly to public restrooms. It is important to note that all bathroom etiquette will probably be thrown out the window at any sporting event.

First, let's talk about urinal practices. Using a urinal can be a tricky thing, but not if you follow these simple rules.

1. Always stand at least one urinal apart from another man, always helpful to have odd number of urinals
2. The further you distance yourself from restroom traffic, the better
3. Never look to your right or left, especially when forced to go next to another user
4. Keep conversation to a minimum
5. Limit yourself to two shakes, no exceptions

How about the porcelain throne? Although it is up to one's own discretion whether or not to even poop in public as a Grown Ass Man, there are still rules to follow when one finds himself in this situation.

1. Much like urinals, the more isolated one is, the better.
2. Be courteous, don't use the handicap stall
3. Remember, you are not giving birth, Adult Males love to grunt and grown as they go #2
4. Ignore all foot tapping directed towards your stall.
5. Use TP sparingly, clogging the toilet, especially in public is a no no (although if done without much TP is a point of pride for some Grown Ass Men)
6. The need to double flush is also a sense of pride

Some points to clarify:

• All Grown Ass Men wash their hands, only Adult Males consider the quick rinse and dry as a viable option
• Consider all chances to use a Dyson Air Blade as a treat that is to be taken full advantage of
• Grown Ass Men prefer air dryers to paper, but if paper is an option they take a limited amount and make sure it goes in the garbage
• When at sporting events/bars keep alert for stray pee that could possibly be soaking your shoe, also, don't be that guy
• It is up to the Grown Ass Man's discretion whether or not to tip a man who works in fancy bathrooms as a towel guy

What are some guidelines you follow for bathroom etiquette? How do you behave in your bathroom at home? What about gas station bathrooms? We'd love to hear from you.

A Grown Ass Bucket List

This is not my Bucket List. But it could be my bucket list. Or yours. This is just an example of the kinds of things a Grown Ass Man would like to do before he dies. That being said, a few of these actually are on my own list.

Fight my clone to the death
Punch a cop... hopefully like this: Move to NY, become a firefighter, learn to play ice hockey, join the FDNY hockey team, play in the game against NYPD, start a fight
Touch a shark
Throw a boomerang properly
Ride a giraffe like a horse
Win the World Series of Poker
Design and build a house with my own hands
Win a mustache-off
Drink an Old Style at each bar in Chicago that has a swinging Old Style sign out front
Take a taxi across the country like these guys
Wrestle an alligator-wrestler
Drive a tank into the side of a building
The Pointer-saurus
Jump onto and/or off of a moving train
Start a business that lets people foot-joust on parallel zip-lines
Eat most of something I've killed, sell the rest as jerky
Fake my death
Own an ice cream shop that hosts food challenges
Take up Falconing
Become a different race through method-acting

Just a few ideas. Leave a comment, tell us what you'd add.

Grown Ass Man of the Week

G.A.M. of the Week

Look at this grown ass man as he sweats from his face, winning the jalapeno eating championship.

Grown Ass Quandary

Pooping in a public restroom can be either the best or worst part of a Grown Ass Man's day.
There are, as caricatured by George Castanza, Grown Ass Men who know of and frequent the fancier and more accommodating P.R.'s, while avoiding the dingy, nasty, poopy ones.

A few factors weighed in a grown ass man's restroom rubric:

Overall Aroma
Overall Cleanliness
Throne Height
Ambient Noise - both for comfort and coverup.
Temperature
Towels vs. Airdryer (Or the rare treat: Dyson Airblade)
Width of T.P.

These are quite standard qualities hoped for in a P.R., but there is another pooping preference among grown ass men: seat color.

You see, discussions of public pooping places raises an important distinction between Grown Ass Men and Adult Males...

When provided, both Grown Ass Men and Adult Males will utilize the "ass-gaskets" (that single-use, tissue paper barrier). When not provided, however, a Grown Ass Man will NOT fashion his own!

There are typically two basic presuppositions underlying this truth. First, building your own glutes-guard from 3" strips of rough rags wastes entirely too much time. Second, grown ass men subconsciously object to wasting T.P. While an Adult Male has no qualms with wadding up handful after handful, a Grown Ass Man will, without even thinking, fold and refold several times before flushing.

So, back to seat color preference. Given the Grown Ass Man's aversion to building his own butt barrier, color factors into bare-backing the bowl. While no one here at the GrownAssBlog is feigning unanimity, every Grown Ass Man does indeed have a preference.

So, the quandary:

Do you prefer the white seat, so you can see what you're about to get yourself into?
Or do you prefer the black seat, maintaining that ignorance is bliss?

I, for one, prefer black. Whenever presented with a white seat, I find myself studying it at length, and I just don't need that extra stress in my life.

What About Social Media?

What about...? There are many things in life that raise questions in our minds, especially as grown ass men. When these questions arise in our lives we need to be able to take a stance one way or another. Here at the grown ass blog we have decided to help you, as grown ass men, to provide you with answers to different life questions. As these come up we will continue to add to these "what about?" statements.

Today we are going to focus on social media. As grown ass men we love technology. With technology comes better and faster ways to connect. Today we are bombarded with all kinds of social media: twitter, facebook, flickr, blogging, youtube, myspace and linkedin (just to name a few). How do we as grown ass men feel about this explosion of social media in today's culture?

It has become essential in our lives to be able to share information at the click of a button. I can see pictures of my nephew on facebook with three or four clicks. I can share a great video of a grown ass man with you with a few clicks. I can even fill your twitter feed with a few keystrokes and a click. Sure, grown ass men find social media important, but there are guidelines. How far is too far? How do grown ass men behave on social media? Listed below is a set of guidelines by which a grown ass man follows when it comes to his social media.

• No grown ass men are on myspace
• Status updates/twitter updates do not share more than what people care about
• Even though grown ass men are leaders, it is acceptable to follow others on twitter
• Try to have more followers on twitter than you are following
• No stalking shall be allowed on facebook
• No photo albums on facebook dedicated to pictures that you have taken of yourself
• Sharing pictures of pets/babies is encouraged
• Be mindful of your posts on facebook if you are friends with your grandma
• Don't be afraid to ignore facebook chat messages
• Emoticons are allowed, but not to excess
• There needs to be at least one photo of you with a beer in your hand
• Share at least one funny/informative internet sites that you have found online
• Grown ass men don't poke others on facebook
• A grown ass man does not follow a Hilton or Kardashian on twitter
• Communication is preferred in real life, not practiced heavily through social media
• No whiney posts, grown ass men don't whine
• "Liking" something on facebook is acceptable, but keep to minimum
• "Liking" your own facebook status is completely forbidden
• Never spend more than 5 minutes coming up with a facebook status/twitter update
• Nothing should be put in all caps, unless you are trying to convey anger
• Excess punctuation is frowned upon (ex. I am so excited for camping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

This is an abbreviated list of guidelines that should help you, as a grown ass man, navigate your way through the vast world of social media. Do you have any other suggestions? Please comment below with any additions or arguments against the guidelines. We'd also appreciate feedback as to other issues that you would like to see talked about in future "what about?" posts.

Grown Ass Man of the Week

A bit delayed but this guy is a genius. A grown ass man would probably try to do this at home.

Filled with Grown Ass Giddyness

Thanks to my Grown Ass Friend, Patrick Ryan, for passing this our way! A magical wonderland of grown ass proportions... a place for running, jumping, flipping, playing. A Parkour Playground.

This brings up an interesting yet previously unmentioned grown ass axiom: A Grown Ass Man is a kid at heart. The only difference between grown ass little kid me and the me I am today is about 20 years of exhilarating, terrifying, near-death experiences.

As you know, grown ass little kids have no sense of danger. Climb a tree and attempt to backflip out of it, you say? Dizzy up both a cat and yourself and try to wrestle it, you say? Speaking of wrestling... Pretend your upper bunk is the top turn-buckle, your brother laying on the floor is the Ultimate Warrior, and your elbow belongs to the Macho Man, you say? A Grown Ass Little Kid has done all of these many, many times.

Grown Ass Little Kids are not to be confused with Children, mind you... Children look both ways before crossing the street. Children do dumb things like "walk". Children don't trade bodily punishment for candy or eat potentially poisonous lunch bombs for money. (Most likely to buy candy)

Children, and unfortunately Grown Ass Little Kids who lose their way, grow up to become Adult Males. They are behaviorally conditioned to do things in a safe, civilized, politically correct way.

Here's a few scenarios, and the respective ways an Adult Male and a Grown Ass Man would handle them:

It's Fall again, and you're up on your roof cleaning your gutters. You forgot your gloves, and the leaves look pretty gunky and slimy. 

Adult Male securely grips the ladder with both hands and descends, one rung at a time, to the ground where he retrieves his gloves.

Grown Ass Man cannonballs from the roof into his pool, and then retrieves his gloves.

You witness an armed robbery on the street from about 20 yards away.


Adult Male calls the Police, and stays put in case they need a statement when they arrive.

Grown Ass Man calls the Police, and stays put in case they need a statement when they arrive, and while waiting day-dreams of confronting the attacker who dashes down an alley, quickly scaling a pad-locked chain link fence, zig-zagging around dumpsters, climbing a fire escape and jumping from rooftop to rooftop until he slips, is hanging from the ledge and the G.A.M. helps his back up to safety, and hands him off to the police so he can break the fourth wall to make some hilarious comment and then make out with the mugging victim.

You are leaving the grocery store.


Adult Male walks carefully back to his car in the straightest possible path, avoiding eye contact with fellow pedestrians and staying away from the cars.

Grown Ass Man rides his cart over toward the cars and jumps off onto the first in a series of cement parking blocks, which he runs along, in series, as fast as he can without touching the ground, usually throwing in a 360 or two. The woman in his life rolls her eyes and fetches the runaway cart before it dings a Land Rover.

There's a lesson or two, here, I think:

1. Don't let your Grown Ass Little Kids grow up to become Adult Males.
2. Park your Land Rover really far away from the grocery store.

Hit us up with the craziest things you've done as a Grown Ass Little Kid, or as a Grown Ass Man!

A Few Changes

We here at the Grown Ass Blog would like to thank you first of all for your traffic on our site here. It gives us encouragement that over 400 people so far have been transformed by our musings. We just wanted to give you a heads up to some changes.

First of all, we have added a rating scale underneath each new post for you to tell us what you think of it. We have also added a way to email it to people and share it on other social media sites. On top of that, now anyone can comment on our blog posts, not just registered users. So now you have no excuse for not giving us some feedback.

We have also given you the ability to sign up for our posts via email on the right side of the page. Underneath that we have given you some of our contact information and twitter address for you to follow as well. We would love to hear about any other things you think should be added to this blog. Feel free to comment below and let us know what you think. Thanks.

-Grown Ass Bloggers

Facial Hair Shout Out

As we continue our series of Facial Hair Shout Outs we focus today on a true Grown Ass Man. Kimbo Slice is a Bahamian-American mixed martial arts expert who rose through the ranks to become one of the most recognized names in Ultimate Fighting. He was known originally as a street fighter who gained popularity through the internet. If that wasn't manly enough, look at that glorious face fur. His muscular frame may be intimidating, but it is that facial 'fro that defeats his competitors before he even enters the ring. Thank you Kimbo Slice for being an outstanding example of what a grown ass man should look like.

Shameful Facial Fuzz: Paul Pierce and Michael Jordan's new 'stache which looks eerily similar to another famous person in history (get it together MJ)

Making Decisions

What should we do next?

To most Adult Males this can be a terrifying question, but to a grown ass man this is a chance to prove his worth.

Every grown ass man is inevitably put into situations in his life where he needs to make decisions for himself and others. These situations typically occur when all others in the group refuse to make a choice, either out of fear or lack of information. These situations are times when we separate the men from the boys, the Adult Males from the Grown Ass Men. Adult Males typically flee from these situations, while grown ass men embrace them.

Obvious assertion: grown ass men love "choose your own adventure" books specifically because they allow them to practice making life-altering decisions

Let's walk together through one possible scenario where a grown ass man asserts his grown ass manhood and makes an informed decision. Before we dive in, it is important to realize that these scenarios can vary from mild, day-to-day decisions to cheating death scenarios. A grown ass man takes all scenarios as equal, never wavering in his confidence in his decision.

Mild Scenario:

A group of friends has decided to hang out for the evening. Within this group of friends exists at least one Adult Male and one Grown Ass Man. Although this group wants to hang out they are not sure what they want to do. Should they go out on the town? A movie sounds good, right? Maybe they should just stay in and play some drinking games.

An Adult Male has a typical response: "I don't care, it doesn't matter to me."

Indecision? Uncertainty? What kind of man doesn't care when it comes to having a good time, especially when it involves some adult beverages?

Another man steps up and has an opinion.

A Grown Ass Man has an idea: "Let's get some half-off appetizers at Applebee's, possibly pre-gaming with a brewtus or two, then come back to the house for some adult beverage competitions with some good music playing that keeps the party going."

Woah! Everyone else who is present has just had their mind blown. Look at what happens in this proposed solution: cheap food is served, everyone gets to go out for a little while, there is still consuming of adult beverages, plus there is music! Everyone is happy. Whether it is apparent or not, a lot of thinking went into this informed decision.

This is just one scenario where a grown ass man makes decisions. There are other scenarios that may force you to choose one thing over another or to do something a bit unorthodox.

Obvious assertion: grown ass men thrive in unorthodox situations.

Now that you have established your grown ass manhood by making a decision you may be forced to rationalize your decision. Although no grown ass man should need to explain why he does what he does, here are some statements that, when stated confidently, rationalize your decisions:

• I read it in a magazine
• I saw it on Discovery Channel
• I've done this before (whether or not you have done this before is not important)
• (insert friend or relative here) did the same thing and it worked out fine
• When all else fails: I'm a grown ass man!

Obvious assertion: The Ghostbusters are grown ass men because they are who you are gonna call

What decisions have you made that asserted yourself as a grown ass man? Under what circumstances was it? What was your rationale for this decision?

Grown Ass Man March

Here is just a picture I stumbled upon of some grown ass men marching for a purpose. This picture is connected to a post several days ago referring to Prohibition. These grown ass men knew what they wanted and they wanted it now. This is a metaphor for the life of a grown ass man. If a grown ass man sees injustice, in any aspect of life, he works to correct that injustice and restore order. Here are just a few causes that a grown ass man can get behind:

• Invisible Children
• Amnesty International
• International Justice Mission
• Blood Water Mission

These are just a few organizations and causes that a grown ass man can get behind. What other causes can you as a grown ass man get behind?

On Pooping in the Woods, and Other Grown Ass Activities

Three of the Grown Ass Authors who contribute to this blog, as well as the women in our lives and some more friends took a trip to the woods this weekend. We return well-rested, well-fed, and chock-full of nuggets of grown ass wisdom to impart to you, dear readers.

Camping is a time-honored tradition of Grown Ass Manhood, and with good reason. Scarcely else can one find more of a grown ass man's interests and favorite activities all in one weekend... existing shirtlessly, playing with fire, hiking, drinking beer, throwing hatchets, grilling meats, trying to grill every other food item, connecting to nature, refusing sunblock, overusing bugspray, not changing your clothes, sleeping outside, whittling or otherwise playing with knives, road trips, and finally, not using the bathroom.

Unfortunately, as is the case with just about every awesome thing, modern marketing and consumerism are overselling and underestimating Adult Males with regards to camping equipment and provisions, potentially preventing them from asserting their Grown Ass Manhood all over the woods.

Here's a few things I saw in the camping aisle at Walmart:

• Camping Toilet - This is literally a toilet seat (with lid!) that rests on four short legs. So, you know, you can pretend you're civilized while you poop onto the ground or into a hole. Are we really at the point in human history that we need to bring toilets with us on camping trips? Humans are anatomically capable of relatively comfortably squatting for evacuation. If you don't really wanna poop in the woods, bring an RV with you, or go back to town and find a nice Dollar General to business in.
• Screened-In Gazebo - Four screened walls and a tarp roof. Is it still camping if you manage to avoid sun, rain, and bugs? The package should have read, "Sit on your porch... in the woods!"
• Camping Dishes - Plates, Mugs, Cups, Tumblers, Pots, Pans, Griddles, Utensils, Coffee Makers, Bowls, etc. I'm sorry, but I don't know a person alive that doesn't already own all of these things without having "Coleman" written on every item. And even if they didn't, two words can fulfill almost every single one of these duties: Aluminum Foil.

The more Adult Males let megamarts tell them what to bring camping, the more their campsites will resemble their college dormrooms--before you know it, campsites will offer DSL and Cable next to their electrical outlets and water pumps.

What's the most ridiculous thing you've ever seen while camping or in a camping store/aisle?

Grown Ass Style Tip: Hair Length

Tasteful grooming is paramount to Grown Ass Manhood. As such, here are some simple guidelines to ensure that you possess a Grown Ass Haircut:

1. Hair shall not exceed eyebrow length. An exception exists for men who maintain meticulously parted coifs. Longer hair is often required for a proper side part, but the hair may only lay below the brow following a robust session of coitus.

2. Buzz cuts are acceptable in all circumstances.

3. Short hair should not shine for any reason.

4. One color. Natural.

5. A hot water rinse is an acceptable substitute for a shower in order to remedy hat hair in emergency situations.

Grown Ass Consumption of Adult Beverages

As a grown ass man, I can speak with authority that Grown Ass Men love a good drink. Much like our fathers before us, and their fathers before them, Grown ass men throughout history have been imbibing of spirits for various occasions. The joy of partaking in the festivities of drinking is the broad spectrum of social and personal events that enable one to enjoy their favorite beverage.

Think back amongst yourselves; was it at a wedding, house party, or just at 2 am after breaking in to your old man's liquor cabinet that you first had your taste of your favorite nectar? Personally, I remember my first Scotch in the same way that I hope to remember my first child; A delightful, beautiful moment in retrospect, while at the time possibly a bit messy… It's all right, Grown Ass Men are honest and forthcoming… It may not have been a great experience, but It sure was not a deterrent either. So into the wild valley of Adult Beverages I journeyed, as many have before.

Grown ass men and Adult Beverages go together like biscuits and gravy. With that said, a grown ass man knows how to handle himself around the drink. As a man who works with youth on a pretty constant basis, I fear future generation of men will be deceived into thinking that The Situation is a solid example of proper drinking habit. This fear has been realized by an individual near to my heart; my brother-in-law.

Durring a recent correspondence, I was made aware of his recent escapades involving a bottle of UV Blue, His roommates nose and cell phone, and 2 of those things being broken.(Hint, it was not the bottle) I know that we've all been in similar situations personally, Mine involved 2 bottles of Boones Farm and a Handle of Skol Vodka and ended with projectile vomiting in my then Girl Friends Dorm. Now maybe it's just the over protective brother-in-law in me, or maybe its my deep desire to not watch people follow mistakes I've made, But really, I fear these things are becoming more and more socially acceptable.

I fear that gone are the days of being a social outcast for filling your room mate's shoes with gently used Rum and Dominos Pizza, instead society is praising these types of non-grown ass man drinking experiences.

At some point, Adult Males everywhere need to learn how and when it is appropriate to drink. With that in mind I propose a solid list of times to scale back and also times to let it rip:

1)Work Event? Unless your boss is your best friend, drinking in excess around him is out of the question.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Order a Scotch neat and chat him up about how to increase company productivity

2) Weekend Camping Trip? Grab the cooler and fill'er up!
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Remember the first beer you snatched from your old man? Yeah grab some ice and a case of Stroh's and enjoy some solid time in nature. (Just remember, Grown Ass Men respect their surroundings so clean up the empties.)

3)Are you around your significant other's parents/ family? Lock it up.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Bring a 6 Pack of Solid Locally Brewed Beer to share… the key here is the sharing, don't drink 5 of them and hand out 1.

4)Is it March 17th? If so, belly up.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Stroll on down to your favorite public house and have the barkeep pull a pint of your favorite stout or ale. Just don't be the guy drinking green beer, Remember, You're a grown ass man.

5)Out on the town with a special lady? Unless she enjoys carrying you home on her back, scale it down champ.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion: Nice Dinner and a Bottle of Shiraz.

6)Weekend Bachelor Party with the guys? Let Loose.
-Grown Ass Man Suggestion:Celebrate! Grab a Grown Ass Bottle of Red Breast and nurse it like mothers milk for 48-72 hours.

There is a time and place for the grown ass man to drink and drink hard, but those are few and far between. As grown ass men, we leave week long benders and binge drinking to the boys.

As the Apostle Paul once wrote:

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I understood like a child, I reasoned like a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Solid advice from a historic grown ass man.

Hit us up with a comment of suggested Scale it Backs or Let it Rips.

It's Friday... Friday.

In light of our recent # from our Twitter account, #thingsagrownassmanhasincommonwithrebeccablack, I reckon there needs to be a crucial distinction: Grown Ass Men may have many things in common with our friend Rebecca, but there is at least ONE area in which we differ greatly; Grown Ass Men are hardly indecisive when it comes to car seat choice. In fact, one of the telltale signs of a Grown Ass Man is the uncontrollable habit of loudly choosing his seat as quickly as possible, upon sight of the vehicle in which he is soon to ride.

I'm speaking, of course, about SHOTGUN.

Calling out shotgun is a compulsion experienced by grown ass men, sometimes when he's the only passenger.

Here's some pretty standard SHOTGUN customs:

• The call must be audible to the Driver
• The call cannot be made indoors
• Vehicle must be within sight of caller
• ReCall must be made if successful caller goes back indoors for any reason before entering vehicle
• If current shotgun occupant leaves vehicle for any reason, any other passenger may call shotgun and steal the seat.

Post up some interesting additional or variant rules if your Grown Ass group of friends abide by any.

Shallow Conversations

If there is one thing a grown ass man loves it is shallow conversation. This kind of conversation may also be called "shooting the breeze," or "shooting the poop." It is a way for grown ass men who are not necessarily comfortable with each other or know each other well to connect without doing things like sharing feelings or showing any weaknesses.

These conversations tend to start at social situations that a grown ass man has been forced in to. There are a few situations in life where a grown ass man is out of his element and most formal events that he is forced in to is a good example of this. The good thing about these situations is that there has to be another grown ass man in the same situation feeling the same thing as you. He may be at the bar or hovering around the snack table with a mopey look on their face.

Sharing of names does not typically happen in a shallow conversation. The only time sharing of names takes place is when each man's significant other are friends with each other and you know that you will be hanging out with this dude more in the future. Sharing of names takes the conversation to another level and this is not the purpose of this conversation. This conversation is a "play out the clock" situation.

If you are unfamiliar with a shallow conversation then I will tell you how it starts. Typically it starts by sharing grown ass gripes about the situation that they are both finding themselves in.

man 1 approaches man 2 at bar/snack table

man 1: Do you think if I drink enough/eat enough then I will forget that I'm here

man 2: Maybe. Man this sucks, I'm missing the big game

there is always a big game that a grown ass man is missing out on

From here the conversation takes a turn. It either becomes a discussion on sports where both of them agree on everything, with a few disagreements, or it is a friendly argument on sports that neither of them agree on.

let's continue the conversation

man 1: oh yeah, I hope State pulls off the upset.

man 2: Really? I went to State! I'm a big fan.

From here the shallow conversation continues with reference to the "glory days" of their teams, their favorite players, and favorite moments of their teams. Sometimes, if the situation they are in force more contact and conversation then it could turn to college stories.

let's see where the conversation is at now

man 2: my time at State was ridiculous, we did x once because we were totally wasted

man 1: that's awesome, me and my buddies did y once while we were totally wasted

The conversation continues until it is time to go. When the two grown ass men part ways they know the rules.

1. we probably won't see each other again
2. we probably won't talk ever again
3. we leave with a simple "see ya"

There are some dangers to these shallow conversations. If man 1 walks up to man 2 and man 2 is a "1 upper," a man who has done something you have done but only better and with better results, then man 1 leaves and finds something else to do. If there is nobody to have shallow conversations with then you constantly check things on your phone until the event is over.

This is just one situation in which shallow conversations can occur. What are some situations where you have had a shallow conversation about nothing. Feel free to leave a comment below.

On Being a Healthy Grown Ass Man

A healthy grown ass man? When some think of a grown ass man, they may think of the superfans in the skit from Saturday Night Live who have roundtable discussions about Da Bears. These men eat what they want and do what they want. This is one way a grown ass man can look, but there are other ways of living.

Earlier this week we posted about food in food, referring to many meat options that would make any normal man's heart stop. It is true that most grown ass men do not know their limits with pretty much everything, and do not wish to know, but we also know that man can not live on meat alone. Not all grown ass men eat meat all the time. We also want our vegetarian/vegan grown ass men to have some manly options when it comes to food.

To those grown ass men who want delicious food beyond just a diet of meat I present to you a new option. Not only do these meals give you a healthier option for food but it may also be used as leverage in your next argument with your lady friend. For example:

some argument is going on where the grown ass man is close to being couched

woman: I can't believe you did that thing that upsets me

man: hey listen, it is what it is and I don't know what else to say about that

woman: I just don't understand you, you never think about me and my feelings

man: hey what about last week when I made and ate with you that really healthy meal?

woman: you are right, that was nice, we should make out now

As you can see, this healthy food is more than just good for you, it's good for your relationships.

Check out the meals and let us know what you think.

Grown Ass Moments in History

Today, April 7th, marks the anniversary of the beginning of the end of Prohibition. Adult Males all over the country lined up outside bars waiting for midnight with even more eager anticipation than pimply adolescents waiting for Halo 2. (Remember that?)

Of course, it's not as if many of these Adult Males hadn't actually imbibed in the 13 dry years... after all, many of these Adult Males were also Grown Ass Men.

During the Prohibition, as well as today, Grown Ass Manhood will lead you to bend or break certain laws that attempt to sand down your Grown ass edges, reducing you to simple maleness. Not quite reactionary, not exactly revolutionary, certainly not non-conformist, but simply good-old, grown ass, stick-in-the-muditude. It's hard to change a Grown Ass Man, and it's even harder to tame one.

Here's a list of "illegal" activities that Grown Ass Men, past and present, engage in with incredible frequency:

• Draft Dodging
• Lying to join the military
• Bootlegging
• Stealing Cable
• Illegal Downloading
• Rolling Stop Signs
• Speeding
• Not Paying Parking Meters
• Jaywalking
• Vandalizing Mailboxes
• Public Urination
• Home Poker Games
• Crappy Fireworks Displays
• Shooting Stuff in your Back Yard

Leave a comment and tell us what laws your Grown Ass Manhood leads you commonly break.

Grown Ass Man of the Week

G.A.M. of the Week

The guy who invented this surely put his grown ass brain to work.

Grown Ass Gripe: Introductions

I present to you one of the biggest lies said by millions worldwide every day:

"Nice to meet you."

A true grown ass man does not fib nor embellish, except when describing fish length. However, this seemingly innocuous greeting is no more than empty puffery.

My deepest problem with NTMY is actually not in its untruthfulness. The problem lies in the brevity by which most first encounters are followed and the lack of opportunity to retract your niceties should the situation turn sour. In most NTMY circumstances, the other individual is met only briefly and may disappear from memory shortly thereafter.

However, if the receiver of your NTMY should, for instance, spoil the cranial comfort of a ballcap or besmirch the name of a beloved ancestor, you should be afforded an opportunity to retract what you thought was a pleasant greeting.

Grown ass men deserve this opportunity for frankness, and to be deprived of such is nearly a more grievous crime than the little white lie of "Nice to meet you."

On Food in Food

Earlier today I tweeted about a delicious stuffed treat: a chocolate chip cookie with an Oreo cookie inside it. Here's a delicious picture on the left.
Grown Ass Men love food in food.
Back home in Chicago, my grown ass group of friends adapted a popular french cooking technique, called wrapping, and applied it to grilled or fried meats served sandwich-style. Aptly named MeatWraps, these bun-burdening belly bombs range anywhere from 1 to 5 pounds each, usually incorporating sausages and ground meats according to a particular theme.

Past MeatWrap Success Stories:

• Wisconsin MeatWrap - Beer Brat wrapped in Butterburger, topped with Cheddar Dill Curds, Spicy Ketchup, Pickle Slices on a warm Kaiser Roll.
• Italian MeatWrap - Italian Sausage pan fried in Chili Oil, wrapped in strips of Meatball meat, smothered in Red Sauce, served on a Toasted Garlic-Cheese roll and topped with Cold Spaghetti tossed with Hot Giardiniera.
• SuperBowl MeatWrap (named in honor of its debut) - Bacon Sausage, double wrapped with strips of Blue Cheese Burger meat, Fried, and served on a Garlic Bun slathered with Giardiniera Mayo.

MeatWrap ToDo List:

• Greek MeatWrap - Lamb Kebob, Wrapped in strips of Gyro meat, topped with onion, tomato, and Kalamata olive relish, served on a warm pita slathered with Tzatziki sauce.
• Grown Ass Corn Dog - Corn Dog with Bacon around the dog and then dipped in the batter.

Now that I've ruined whatever you were planning on eating for dinner... Please leave your comments below with ideas to add to the ToDo list!

Quick Shout-out to YouTube - EpicMealTime's Channel for whole-heartedly smelling what Grown Ass Men everywhere are stepping in. Bravo!

Bartering Like a Grown Ass Man

For a grown ass man there is one thing that is imperative that you must know how to do: barter. Bartering, trading, "wheeling and dealing," is part of what makes a grown ass man a grown ass man. The great thing about bartering is that it can be for anything. Take for example the guy who traded a paperclip for a house. I met several grown ass men recently who have bartered for hospital bills, one of them being a serious heart surgery. These are men who could make things happen through the art of the trade.

It is in our nature as grown ass men to look for a deal. Think all the way back to our days on the frontier in America. Bartering is how you survived. "Yeah, I'll give you one box of bullets for 30 lbs of food. I just hope my kids don't get dysentery. Absolutely I'm going to try to ford the river and if I wasn't going to ford I'd at least try to caulk my wagon. I don't need to pay you money to ride your ferry across. I'm a doctor/carpenter/farmer by trade so I can handle it." (As you can see, the Old West was very similar to the game Oregon Trail.) Or what about when you were young in the lunch room and somehow were able to turn a PB&J and a juice box into a lunchables pepperoni pizza and a capri sun. Score!

You see, bartering is exactly what a grown ass man does because it involves so many things. There is the thrill of the pursuit of the thing you desire, plus you get to work on the art of persuasion. You are able to get something new and exciting without sacrificing much at all. Plus there is always a gamble that the offer you put forward will be completely denied by your trading partner. Here is a brief step-by-step process of how a grown ass man gets what he wants through bartering.

Step 1: Identify what it is you want to trade for

Step 2: Find something of little or some value to you and make it seem interesting

Step 3: Convince your trade partner that they can live without their thing, but not without yours

Step 4: If necessary, throw in some arbitrary statement to close the deal like "oh and next time we're out I'll buy you a beer" or "you know you won't be able to find another deal like this"

Step 5: Complete transaction, bask in your grown ass manhood

If this seems a bit confusing, just read chapter two in Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain. That should give you a good start.

Get Yourself a Grown Ass Garden

That's right. Grown Ass Men are great at gardening.

Remember when you were a grown ass little kid and you used to play in the dirt and mud all the time? Yeah, this is the same freakin' thing, only now you know what you're doing and you get to use all the pointy and sharp toys, er, tools you want.

Grown ass gardening is all about the one thing grown ass men of every background love to do: making things better. For instance, you know what's better than weeds? Tomatoes. And so on.

As much as is in their power (which is much), Grown Ass Men always leave things more beautiful than when they found them, except bathrooms.

Getting Couched

There are plenty of risks involved with being a grown ass man whether they be health, safety, or reputation risks. Among these risks comes the possibility of overstepping your bounds and getting couched.

Getting couched can mean literally having to sleep on the couch or more of a figurative couching. Either way, there is a fine line between imposing your grown ass manhood and getting couched. For example, a grown ass man could assert what movie/activity he is doing on a date.

Grown ass man: "Since you like Chinese food we will go to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and then see that hit movie that's out, you know the one that isn't a chick flick."

Couched: "Charlie Sheen is in town on his tour and we are definitely doing that right after our meal at Hooters."

As you can see, the line is thin and can be easily crossed. Just remember, as a grown ass man you are also courteous and have good manners. When you remember to practice those things you can easily avoid the pitfalls that overtake many grown ass men.

I'd like to clear this up...

Grown Ass Men do indeed eat sushi.

Raw or undercooked meats (is sushi meat?) are always encouraged. That being said, the kinds of sushi a grown ass man will eat may need specifying. To illustrate my point, here's two situations:

Adult Male: Hi, yes, we'd like to split the california roll and... the spicy tuna, is that really spicy? oh, um... yeah... can we get a regular tuna roll? White wine should go nicely with that, we'd like a bottle of pinot grigio too, please.

Grown Ass Man: Yes, I'd like the tiger roll, a dragon roll... the spicy tuna, is that really spicy? oh, um... i brought some sriracha, so yeah, that's fine, and two centaur rolls. White wine should go nicely with that, we'd like a bottle of pinot grigio too, please. Honey, what are you going to have?

Facial Hair Shout Out

In honor of Opening Day yesterday we present to you our first ever facial hair shout out. Today we salute Rollie Fingers not only for his Hall of Fame career, but for his majestic grown ass man-stache. Thank you Rollie Fingers for being an outstanding example of what a grown ass man should look like.

Special Mentions: Kevin Youkilis, Brian Wilson, and Lou Brown (coach from Major League)