Whining

If there is one thing that I hate in life it is whining.  There have been times lately that I have had to deal with some whiners, both male and female.  When I hear Adult Males whining it really gets me annoyed. 

Now, it is important to distinguish between a gripe and whining.  Grown Ass Men gripe, Adult Males whine.  A gripe is vocalizing a frustration with life that is legitimate.  Whining is when life just doesn’t go your way and you want to make it everybody else’s problem.  You may be sitting there thinking, “what is a legitimate gripe?”  Let me help you out.  For starters anything complained about on White Whines is not a legitimate complaint. 

 Let’s look at some scenarios that would elicit some sort of response.  Now in these situations wording can mean a whole lot.  There are incidents or episodes that happen in life that are not even worth a grown ass man’s time to talk about, while an adult male will make sure everyone knows how inconvenienced he was in that certain situation.

Scenario #1

Your car breaks down on the side of the road.

Adult Male:            after calling everyone he knows for help with no luck he gets it towed to the dealer where he will be charged way more than he should be because he doesn’t have a clue

Grown Ass Man:            if he can’t fix it himself, he calls a reliable friend (or AAA) and gets it towed to a credible auto shop (every grown ass man has a reliable auto shop)

Scenario #2

Someone cuts you off in traffic

Adult Male:            screams, yells, makes hand gestures, appeals to others in the vehicle to justify his actions (appealing to others to justify your absurd behavior is a trademark of an adult male)

Grown Ass Man:            may get a bit frustrated, but no hand gestures are needed, just a stern look toward the one who cut him off

Scenario #3

You have poured yourself a bowl of cereal only to find that there is no milk in the fridge.

Adult Male:            complains out loud that there is no milk until someone validates his frustration (if living alone he will appeal to his pet who always agrees with him)

Grown Ass Man:            doesn’t mention it, just makes sure to buy milk when he comes home from work

As you can see, not only is it how the grown ass man initially responds to the situation but it is also the fact that he is willing, and does, fix it himself.  The adult male waits and whines until someone helps him out, gives him direction, or does something for him while the grown ass man waits for no man and solves his own problems.  The audience you are communicating with also makes a difference.  An adult male will complain to anyone and everyone.  He is known especially for berating and arguing with tech assistants and company help lines as if they were the cause of their problems.  Grown ass men tend to share their frustrations with a select few.  If grown ass men do want to share frustrations with life, they will tend to share them with other grown ass men, or in rare cases their significant others.  Now that you know, I encourage you to think and act like a grown ass man.  Don’t let this world of adult males drag you down with their whining and self-pity.  You are a grown ass man; you can handle all that comes your way.

Starting New Hobbies

            With the school year winding down and the list of things to do getting a bit lighter I have decided to pick up a few new hobbies.  I have decided to take up long boarding and do at least one pinterest project a month.  You may ask, “why would you want to do those things?”  Let me tell you why I want to start new hobbies.  This is causing me to broaden my horizons and try new things.  Part of being a grown ass man is the ability to grow and learn, not through directions or teaching, but through experience and trial and error. 

When starting new hobbies, a grown ass man does not simply pick up a “gardening for dummies” book and get at it.  Not at all.  If a grown ass man wants to start a garden he will grab some seeds of things he likes, brick off a part of his back yard, throw some dirt down, and grow those plants.  Then, through trial and error, he will learn which ways are the best. 

            Why would someone want to learn this way?  Why would someone be interested in taking up a new hobby and not want to do it the “right” way through any sort of training?  The best way to learn anything is through your own experience.  My dad let me step up to the plate in little league barely clenching a bat with an awkward stance so that I would learn, through the stinging in my hands once I made contact with a pitch, that you need to grip the bat like a man. 

An old proverb says that experience is the best teacher.  When thinking of a new hobby or skill to pick up remember that the only way you will truly know what you are doing is through just doing it yourself.  Why waste time learning anything from outside sources?  The only learning you can do from someone else is through some amateur video on youtube.  In addition to this being the best way to learn, it will eventually give you enough experience to be considered an “expert” to others who are just starting off.  The words, “trust me, I’ve done this before” speak volumes to a grown ass man.

So, I charge you grown ass men, to get out there, expand your skill set, broaden your horizons and pick up a new hobby.  Not only will you become the resident expert of that thing with your grown ass friends, but also with every new skill/hobby you start you become more of a renaissance man (which the ladies love).  Learning and growing is just one of many ways to express and flaunt your grown ass manhood.

Grown Ass Proposals

Recently, whilst stumbling upon via stumbleupon.com, I stumblt upon this:
(the girl in front is the lucky lady)

And, sadly, this:

And it got me thinking, this being the beginning of summer, Mayhaps there are some Grown Ass Men out there who would appreciate some helpful suggestions for how to pop "the question". Well, I don't really feel like helping with that right now. Maybe later. Right now I'd like nothing more than to assist in areas far more mundane. What follows is a list of suggestions for popping other, less-consequential questions. Because nothing says "please" like melodrama, hilarity, or making a scene.

note: this is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not expect to get the thing you are asking for by employing any of these methods.

The Question: Will you help me move?
An adult male might create a Facebook event with all the details and invite his entire friends list.
A Grown Ass Man might hack two or three friends' Facebook profiles, and daily update their statii to reflect their excitement to help a brother out.

The Question: Can I date your sister/ex girlfriend?
You might try this delicate, 3 step process:
1. Seats behind home plate
2. First 5 rounds on you
3. Jumbotron

The Question: Can I borrow some money?
Try the Subliminal Message Guy approach. (Warning: Kevin Nealon gets slightly raunchy in this skit)

The Question: Are you gonna finish that?
Maybe go with an interpretive dance, throw in an inordinate amount of pointing both to your mouth and to the rest of that sandwich.

I hope this helps. I'm sure it does. If you have a particular question you'd like help asking, leave it in the comments and see what the community can come up with.

Grown Ass Man of the Week: 5/16/2011

Every now and then, a Man pushes the boundaries of what we thought was possible, causing us to wonder, "what could possibly come next?"

This week, I would like to draw attention to this year's winner of the Beard and Moustache World Championships, Elmar Weisser of Germany.



That's right, that's a moose and tree sculpted from a beard. I need say no more.

Getting Your Stuff Together

As school years across the nation are coming to a close, I thought this post would be appropriate. There is nothing, absolutely nothing better than getting your stuff together.

What do I mean by getting your stuff together? It's that to do list of essays and papers needing to be completed that you finally knock off. It's finally taking your car in to the shop and getting that weird rattling noise taken care of. It's putting away all those winter clothes now that it's summer time. Basically, it is taking care of business that you have procrastinated on long enough where it starts to affect your every day life.

For me, it was finally getting some pesky online quizzes taken and two major papers written. The deadline was this week, but I have known about them for a long time. The feeling of getting your stuff together is one of the greatest feelings anyone could ever have. It's like lifting a gigantic load off of your shoulders that only got heavier because you chose to ignore it for a while.

As a Grown Ass Man it is important to get your stuff together. It is important to note that getting your stuff together does not mean in a timely fashion. Getting your stuff together means that at some point, maybe right at the buzzer, you get stuff taken care of before it gets too out of hand. In most cases, the longer you wait to get your stuff together, the better it feels once you have taken care of it. It is also important to note that if things do get out of hand and somebody gives you grief about it you can always just respond with the phrase, "Hey, I'm a Grown Ass Man, I'll get to it."

Working against the clock is part of getting your stuff together. Grown Ass Men, just like in decision making, work well under pressure. Adult Males crumble under the weight of responsibilities and problems overwhelming them. Grown Ass Men laugh in the face of these pressures knowing that in time they will conquer them.

What are things that may take precedence over getting things done right away? First off, Angry Birds is something that is a little more important. Those stupid green pigs won't destroy themselves, certainly not in a way that gives me 3 stars. Also, what is for dinner? We may spend a couple hours each day deciding on what would be the best to fill our Grown Ass tummies. Once these things, among others, are taken care of then we will get to our things that need to get done.

I may have my work done for this quarter but I still have some lightbulbs that need to be changed. In order to change them I need to go to the store and get some more. I will probably get around to it when we are down to one lightbulb left. What is a greater contrast: having one new lightbulb or have 3 new lightbulbs? It almost makes more sense to wait to do things because it makes the simple tasks in life seem harder and our completion of them that much more awesome. If I get a paper done in two weeks with three weeks left to go until it's due what's the point? There's no glory in that.

What have you accomplished lately? What stuff have you gotten together that makes you feel like an accomplished Grown Ass Man? What things do you still have left to do? What things do you like to do instead of the tasks assigned to you? Let us know what you think.

Reader Submitted: The Glories of Co-Rec Softball

Today we have a special treat, this is a reader submitted post. This dedicated follower of the Grown Ass Blog has donated his literary skills to provide us with a glimpse into his co-rec softball experiences. Remember, these are reflections of a Grown Ass Man. The man he refers to, and is the point of much of his musings, would be considered an Adult Male. If you would like to have your material posted to the blog just submit your writings to grownassbloggers@gmail.com. We would be more than happy to review it and post it up. Enjoy!

We had our first co-rec softball game last night. We played about as well as the weather was, but that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about super arm band guy.

Super arm band guy probably was on his high school baseball team, but rarely played. He always talks about the guy he was playing behind that played minor league baseball, and how that could have been him if he would have just gotten his shot. So now, he brings all that talent to a co-ed recreational softball league in Downers Grove. He has a jersey with his name on it and at least 5-10 armbands. 'Sliding pants - check. Matching sliding socks - check. Color-coordinated in red, white, and blue from head to toe - check. Not sure if he was feeling extra patriotic this week, or if he feels that is his teams colors. Oh - and his hairline is definitely fading fast.

As a player, he is good but not great. where he truly shines is as an over-competitive snobery. As he scored to make the game 10-2, he yelled out, "the blow out is ON!" Just to remind you he did not just score the winning run in the state championship but the 10th run in the first co-rec softball game of the year against a team who had not practiced.

After he made a snide comment from third base because one of our girls did not understand an esoteric rule of co-rec softball, and because I was cold and grumpy anyway, I decided I should just sit the rest of the game and devote all of my energy to making snide comments about this guy. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Some highlights:

• After he sarcastically said to one of our girls, "I don't know, it happens every time we go through the line-up", my retort was, "I don't know, it happens every time that DB is coaching third base".
• Since he pitched right-handed but batted left, Rob asked if he was a switch hitter. to which I responded, "oh, he definitely is". Rob responded, 'I don't know how to take that". To which I responded, "oh, our pitcher is right-handed, so that is why he is batting left but a guy with that many arm bands definitely has so much skill that he would switch around and bat right-handed if we had a left-handed pitcher".
• The highlight of his athletic feats was when he just out ran the rest of his body and slipped as he was rounding second, and gracefully fell to the ground.

I'm not one to kick somebody when they are down, so I have no comment for this one, but I definitely appreciated the karma for his talk to our ladies.

You may ask yourself, who has the bigger issue? The over-competitive softball guy or the grumpy old man in the dug out bitterly making fun of him. That, my friends, is the beauty of co-rec softball.

The Transition to Grown Ass Manhood: Food

For those of you who may be wondering at what point in your life you may begin to assert your Grown Ass Manhood, you may use a few of the following landmarks in the culinary arena as guidelines to realizing your Grown Ass Potential:

Vegetables Other than Variations on the Potato
The big one here is grilled asparagus. An acquired taste, asparagus serves as a savory side to a perfectly cooked steak.

Grilling the Perfect Steak
The Grown Ass Man is in constant pursuit of the Perfect Steak. The most important thing to consider is where you obtain your meats. Do not write off the recent trend toward locally raised, grass fed beef as hippy-dippy nonsense. Such steaks will undoubtedly be the freshest cuts of meat you can buy, and it is worth your time and money to seek the quality flavors that natural beef delivers.

Cooking with Beer
Numerous recipes and cooking techniques involve the use of stocks, wines, or other cooking liquids. Consider replacing these liquids with a hearty porter or other robust ale. A wide array of foods can benefit from this practice, from chili to sausages to braised beef and more. Get creative. Experiment. A Grown Ass Chef is not confined by the boundaries of the printed recipe.

Combination Food
This subject has already been touched on in a Grown Ass manner on this very blog. A tie-in to the experimentation mentioned above, the possibilities are endless when you consider combining ground beef with sausage, steak with bacon, etc.

With that said, the fellas over at Epic Meal Time are pioneering a new frontier in foodiculousness. If you haven't been made privy to the culinary antics of these cookin' Canucks, follow the link to experience the extremes of Grown Ass Cookin': http://www.youtube.com/user/EpicMealTime