Grown Ass Proposals

Recently, whilst stumbling upon via stumbleupon.com, I stumblt upon this:
(the girl in front is the lucky lady)

And, sadly, this:

And it got me thinking, this being the beginning of summer, Mayhaps there are some Grown Ass Men out there who would appreciate some helpful suggestions for how to pop "the question". Well, I don't really feel like helping with that right now. Maybe later. Right now I'd like nothing more than to assist in areas far more mundane. What follows is a list of suggestions for popping other, less-consequential questions. Because nothing says "please" like melodrama, hilarity, or making a scene.

note: this is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not expect to get the thing you are asking for by employing any of these methods.

The Question: Will you help me move?
An adult male might create a Facebook event with all the details and invite his entire friends list.
A Grown Ass Man might hack two or three friends' Facebook profiles, and daily update their statii to reflect their excitement to help a brother out.

The Question: Can I date your sister/ex girlfriend?
You might try this delicate, 3 step process:
1. Seats behind home plate
2. First 5 rounds on you
3. Jumbotron

The Question: Can I borrow some money?
Try the Subliminal Message Guy approach. (Warning: Kevin Nealon gets slightly raunchy in this skit)

The Question: Are you gonna finish that?
Maybe go with an interpretive dance, throw in an inordinate amount of pointing both to your mouth and to the rest of that sandwich.

I hope this helps. I'm sure it does. If you have a particular question you'd like help asking, leave it in the comments and see what the community can come up with.

Grown Ass Man of the Week: 5/16/2011

Every now and then, a Man pushes the boundaries of what we thought was possible, causing us to wonder, "what could possibly come next?"

This week, I would like to draw attention to this year's winner of the Beard and Moustache World Championships, Elmar Weisser of Germany.



That's right, that's a moose and tree sculpted from a beard. I need say no more.

Getting Your Stuff Together

As school years across the nation are coming to a close, I thought this post would be appropriate. There is nothing, absolutely nothing better than getting your stuff together.

What do I mean by getting your stuff together? It's that to do list of essays and papers needing to be completed that you finally knock off. It's finally taking your car in to the shop and getting that weird rattling noise taken care of. It's putting away all those winter clothes now that it's summer time. Basically, it is taking care of business that you have procrastinated on long enough where it starts to affect your every day life.

For me, it was finally getting some pesky online quizzes taken and two major papers written. The deadline was this week, but I have known about them for a long time. The feeling of getting your stuff together is one of the greatest feelings anyone could ever have. It's like lifting a gigantic load off of your shoulders that only got heavier because you chose to ignore it for a while.

As a Grown Ass Man it is important to get your stuff together. It is important to note that getting your stuff together does not mean in a timely fashion. Getting your stuff together means that at some point, maybe right at the buzzer, you get stuff taken care of before it gets too out of hand. In most cases, the longer you wait to get your stuff together, the better it feels once you have taken care of it. It is also important to note that if things do get out of hand and somebody gives you grief about it you can always just respond with the phrase, "Hey, I'm a Grown Ass Man, I'll get to it."

Working against the clock is part of getting your stuff together. Grown Ass Men, just like in decision making, work well under pressure. Adult Males crumble under the weight of responsibilities and problems overwhelming them. Grown Ass Men laugh in the face of these pressures knowing that in time they will conquer them.

What are things that may take precedence over getting things done right away? First off, Angry Birds is something that is a little more important. Those stupid green pigs won't destroy themselves, certainly not in a way that gives me 3 stars. Also, what is for dinner? We may spend a couple hours each day deciding on what would be the best to fill our Grown Ass tummies. Once these things, among others, are taken care of then we will get to our things that need to get done.

I may have my work done for this quarter but I still have some lightbulbs that need to be changed. In order to change them I need to go to the store and get some more. I will probably get around to it when we are down to one lightbulb left. What is a greater contrast: having one new lightbulb or have 3 new lightbulbs? It almost makes more sense to wait to do things because it makes the simple tasks in life seem harder and our completion of them that much more awesome. If I get a paper done in two weeks with three weeks left to go until it's due what's the point? There's no glory in that.

What have you accomplished lately? What stuff have you gotten together that makes you feel like an accomplished Grown Ass Man? What things do you still have left to do? What things do you like to do instead of the tasks assigned to you? Let us know what you think.

Reader Submitted: The Glories of Co-Rec Softball

Today we have a special treat, this is a reader submitted post. This dedicated follower of the Grown Ass Blog has donated his literary skills to provide us with a glimpse into his co-rec softball experiences. Remember, these are reflections of a Grown Ass Man. The man he refers to, and is the point of much of his musings, would be considered an Adult Male. If you would like to have your material posted to the blog just submit your writings to grownassbloggers@gmail.com. We would be more than happy to review it and post it up. Enjoy!

We had our first co-rec softball game last night. We played about as well as the weather was, but that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about super arm band guy.

Super arm band guy probably was on his high school baseball team, but rarely played. He always talks about the guy he was playing behind that played minor league baseball, and how that could have been him if he would have just gotten his shot. So now, he brings all that talent to a co-ed recreational softball league in Downers Grove. He has a jersey with his name on it and at least 5-10 armbands. 'Sliding pants - check. Matching sliding socks - check. Color-coordinated in red, white, and blue from head to toe - check. Not sure if he was feeling extra patriotic this week, or if he feels that is his teams colors. Oh - and his hairline is definitely fading fast.

As a player, he is good but not great. where he truly shines is as an over-competitive snobery. As he scored to make the game 10-2, he yelled out, "the blow out is ON!" Just to remind you he did not just score the winning run in the state championship but the 10th run in the first co-rec softball game of the year against a team who had not practiced.

After he made a snide comment from third base because one of our girls did not understand an esoteric rule of co-rec softball, and because I was cold and grumpy anyway, I decided I should just sit the rest of the game and devote all of my energy to making snide comments about this guy. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Some highlights:

• After he sarcastically said to one of our girls, "I don't know, it happens every time we go through the line-up", my retort was, "I don't know, it happens every time that DB is coaching third base".
• Since he pitched right-handed but batted left, Rob asked if he was a switch hitter. to which I responded, "oh, he definitely is". Rob responded, 'I don't know how to take that". To which I responded, "oh, our pitcher is right-handed, so that is why he is batting left but a guy with that many arm bands definitely has so much skill that he would switch around and bat right-handed if we had a left-handed pitcher".
• The highlight of his athletic feats was when he just out ran the rest of his body and slipped as he was rounding second, and gracefully fell to the ground.

I'm not one to kick somebody when they are down, so I have no comment for this one, but I definitely appreciated the karma for his talk to our ladies.

You may ask yourself, who has the bigger issue? The over-competitive softball guy or the grumpy old man in the dug out bitterly making fun of him. That, my friends, is the beauty of co-rec softball.

The Transition to Grown Ass Manhood: Food

For those of you who may be wondering at what point in your life you may begin to assert your Grown Ass Manhood, you may use a few of the following landmarks in the culinary arena as guidelines to realizing your Grown Ass Potential:

Vegetables Other than Variations on the Potato
The big one here is grilled asparagus. An acquired taste, asparagus serves as a savory side to a perfectly cooked steak.

Grilling the Perfect Steak
The Grown Ass Man is in constant pursuit of the Perfect Steak. The most important thing to consider is where you obtain your meats. Do not write off the recent trend toward locally raised, grass fed beef as hippy-dippy nonsense. Such steaks will undoubtedly be the freshest cuts of meat you can buy, and it is worth your time and money to seek the quality flavors that natural beef delivers.

Cooking with Beer
Numerous recipes and cooking techniques involve the use of stocks, wines, or other cooking liquids. Consider replacing these liquids with a hearty porter or other robust ale. A wide array of foods can benefit from this practice, from chili to sausages to braised beef and more. Get creative. Experiment. A Grown Ass Chef is not confined by the boundaries of the printed recipe.

Combination Food
This subject has already been touched on in a Grown Ass manner on this very blog. A tie-in to the experimentation mentioned above, the possibilities are endless when you consider combining ground beef with sausage, steak with bacon, etc.

With that said, the fellas over at Epic Meal Time are pioneering a new frontier in foodiculousness. If you haven't been made privy to the culinary antics of these cookin' Canucks, follow the link to experience the extremes of Grown Ass Cookin': http://www.youtube.com/user/EpicMealTime

A Grown Ass Fashion Statetment

Or should I say, a grown ass statement about fashion.

Summer is dangling over our heads, clutching for dear life to the tenacious little finger of Sylvester Stallone, merely movie moments away from slowly slipping from our hero's strong grasp to plop all hot and sticky all over our unsuspecting skulls, leaving a tearful and resolute Italian Sherpa with nothing but regrets and bitter anguish. Why?! Why didn't he say "I love you, Summer" just once before she slipped away? You sad, sorry man...

So, since it's getting warmer, I think it apropo to offer some grown ass advice on what not to wear this season. It's no secret that Adult Males ere infinitum have been experimenting with idiocy when it comes to summer fashion. If you are thinking of trying a "new look", go for it, but if I see you in any of these now known no nos, I'ma slap you.

Overall Shorts - just, no.
Proper Overalls - if you don't drive a pickup truck, you cannot pull off this look. If your overalls cost you more than $10 at the Farm and Fleet, you cannot pull off this look.

Grown Ass Style tip: try some khakis and a colored tee. Try to avoid cargo pockets.

Velvety track suit, matching of course... Adult Males picked this one up as soon as pretty girls stopped dressing like this. If you are not from Eastern Europe, you cannot pull off this look.

Try this: Gym Shorts and a white tee. Classic, yet comfortable.

A beanie. It's hot out, you look like a damn fool.

Try this: cut your hair shorter. High and tight, clean part. No sideburns.

Tucked in shirts? Adult Males are always tucking everything into everything else... A Grown Ass Man tucks his shirt in when wearing a suit, or when otherwise told by his own mother.

Socks and sandals. Don't do this.

Tip? Get yourself a pair of Rainbows.

D.B. Deep Vees. (DB stands for "descends below" the sternum) V-Necks are cool, but seriously we don't need to see that tattoo of a cancerous mole you got ironically after you got that cancerous mole removed.

Tip: Don't be a deeber.

Well that's all I got for now, remember stay cool and stay cool.

What's your summer fashion pet-peeve? Adult Male or Female?

Brand Allegiance

Out of the many different statements and things that are true about Grown Ass Men, the one thing that we have neglected to talk about is Brand Allegiance.

Brand Allegiance, being true to a specific brand despite all criticism from female companions and Adult Males within your proximity, is an integral part of being a Grown Ass Man. This is considered a true trademark of Grown Ass Manhood. It incorporates many things that G.A.M. love: specifically expressing loyalty and being in a situation they can control.

For example:

I have a relative who refuses to go to any other gas station except Marathon. Adult Males would see this as just stubborn behavior. An Adult Male would say, "gas is gas, no matter where you go." This Grown Ass Relative of mine would dispute that claim. Not only does he receive quality gas but he has become so acquainted with the system set in place by Marathon that now he is able to take advantage of that system, legally of course. He receives points every time he uses his Marathon credit card, which he uses to buy gas cards which earn him more points. Now I am simplifying the process to protect the process and also because I do not have an allegiance to Marathon. Since I don't have this intimate relationship with that brand I may never understand fully what that is about.

Another example:

I have another relative, one of the grown ass persuasion, who frequents Arby's, buying their shake mix to use in his own ice cream machine at home. Not only does he enjoy the shake mix that he buys from them but he also enjoys the tasty treats that Arby's produces. Through his allegiance to the Arby's brand he has become a regular. Being a "regular" at any place where you are the consumer is an elite status that not everybody gets. This grown ass relative of mine has achieved that status and, undoubtedly, has the admiration of his peers. Being a regular at any place could be a separate post of its own, so I won't go deeper into that right now.

Basically, what I am saying here is that Grown Ass Men love their brands. I personally love my "Fresh" scented deodorant from Old Spice more than most other parts of my morning routine. That smell is something that I'm never willing to part with. These brands become part of the family. Many fond memories are surrounded by the taste of Kroger Brand ice cream because of the stance my father took on his brand. Discontinuity creates confusion. Stick to what you know! Love your brands!

So remember, be loyal to your brands and they will return the favor. Remember all of the times your grandpa refused to shop/eat/get some kind of service at any other location then the one he was used to? Now you understand why he did that, he is a Grown Ass Man. So be proud of your particularity to labels and brands because that is what makes you you, a Grown Ass Man.

What brands are you loyal to? What kind of persecution have you faced because of your dedication to that brand? Let us know.

Sandwich Shoutout

Today I decided to finally take a Grown Ass Man's advice and eat at local hotspot, Gioia's Deli, in the Italian neighborhood of St. Louis called The Hill. I was not disappointed.

This Sandwich, yeah It deserves capitalization, is a masterpiece.

Being a Chicagoan, there are 3 criteria by which I judge an Italian sandwich:

The Bread. It's gotta be soft, yet crusty. If you order your sandwich toasted, it's supposed to scrape up your mouth to the point that you're subconsciously tonguing it's roof for days. I'm partial to Turano, but a good, fresh-baked baguette will do just fine.

The Meat-Mix. Too often sub shops try to pass off a lunchmeat sandwich and call it an Italian. This, Subway-esque, Adult Male pile of Ham, Salami, and usually Pepperoni (seriously?!) has become acceptable in some parts of the country... but where I come from, an Italian is a solid Salami, Capicola (pronounced Gabagole), Mortadella, and sometimes Ham. Pepperoni is for pizzas, man... Gioia's uses Genova, Hot Salami, and Ham, or Mortadella. Totally acceptable.

Giardiniera. If you don't know what this is, Jesus still loves you, but you've never eaten a sandwich before in your entire life. This is a type of Hot Pepper Relish, and Gioia's has the second hottest Giardiniera I've ever eaten. Big Up's to the #1, Bari's on Grand Ave. in Chicago... they make theirs with Habaneros.

All that being said, I didn't even order the Italian, because the menu board was whistling a tune I'd never heard before...
Gioia's Extra Spicy Hot Salami Sandwich.

Man, was this a treat:

Gioia's delicious fresh-baked bread
Gioia's special salami sliced warm and piled high
Pepper Cheese
Spicy Mustard
Onion
Pepperoncini
Extra Hot Giardiniera

Here's a pic of what I had leftover...

Now, before you get all commenty on me, saying things like, "A Grown Ass Man would have finished the whole 9" sandwich!!!"

You're absolutely right. A Grown Ass Man would certainly eat all of it and ask for more, if he didn't have the Grown Ass Restraint to save a bit to scramble into some eggs in the morning. Being stuck in St. Louis means I can no longer enjoy the ubiquity of delicious Giardiniera that I had so foolishly taken for granted in the frivolity of youth...

So here's to Gioia's! A truly special little deli on Macklind off Shaw in the Hill.

What do you order when you go to Gioia's?

Grown Ass Man of the Week

Scratch that, we are awarding the grown ass men of the week. These men are historical but they are just as relevant today as they were back in their time. Below we have the names of Theodore Roosevelt, Andrew Jackson, and Genghis Khan. When you click on each one you will know why they are the G.A.M.'s of the Week.

Theodore Roosevelt

Andrew Jackson

Genghis Khan

Special shout out to the grown ass men who came up with this fake campaign for the Smithsonian.

Contest to Publicize our Blog!

Many of you know of my grown ass artistic ability... I am donating my craftmanship to the ever-growing fame of our Blog. I am in the process of creating 10 Tees to give away one each to the first 10 grown ass men to complete the following:

Post your favorite of our articles to your Facebook, and provide us with a screenshot.

Subscribe to our blog, as well as convince two members of your grown ass cohort to subscribe as well.

Just tell me your shirt size in the comment that includes your screenshot.

Facial Hair Shout Out

Today we continue our series on highlighting the epitome of manliness, having glorious facial hair. Today we focus on a true grown ass man, anonymous Giant's fan. Not only does this beard have enviable bushiness, but it also has perfect form and shape. It is not too out of control, but has just enough of a wild side to make it edgy. Bonus extra on this shout out, he resembles a player on the team from which he is a fan. Therefore, not only does he have an illustrious face blanket, but he also is showing his true fandom. This is considered to be one of the highest forms of expression of grown ass manhood. So with that being said, we thank you anonymous Giant's fan for being an outstanding example of what a grown ass man should look like.

Facial Hair Failure: Osama Bin Laden, because he's dead.