The Transition to Grown Ass Manhood: Food

For those of you who may be wondering at what point in your life you may begin to assert your Grown Ass Manhood, you may use a few of the following landmarks in the culinary arena as guidelines to realizing your Grown Ass Potential:

Vegetables Other than Variations on the Potato
The big one here is grilled asparagus. An acquired taste, asparagus serves as a savory side to a perfectly cooked steak.

Grilling the Perfect Steak
The Grown Ass Man is in constant pursuit of the Perfect Steak. The most important thing to consider is where you obtain your meats. Do not write off the recent trend toward locally raised, grass fed beef as hippy-dippy nonsense. Such steaks will undoubtedly be the freshest cuts of meat you can buy, and it is worth your time and money to seek the quality flavors that natural beef delivers.

Cooking with Beer
Numerous recipes and cooking techniques involve the use of stocks, wines, or other cooking liquids. Consider replacing these liquids with a hearty porter or other robust ale. A wide array of foods can benefit from this practice, from chili to sausages to braised beef and more. Get creative. Experiment. A Grown Ass Chef is not confined by the boundaries of the printed recipe.

Combination Food
This subject has already been touched on in a Grown Ass manner on this very blog. A tie-in to the experimentation mentioned above, the possibilities are endless when you consider combining ground beef with sausage, steak with bacon, etc.

With that said, the fellas over at Epic Meal Time are pioneering a new frontier in foodiculousness. If you haven't been made privy to the culinary antics of these cookin' Canucks, follow the link to experience the extremes of Grown Ass Cookin': http://www.youtube.com/user/EpicMealTime

A Grown Ass Fashion Statetment

Or should I say, a grown ass statement about fashion.

Summer is dangling over our heads, clutching for dear life to the tenacious little finger of Sylvester Stallone, merely movie moments away from slowly slipping from our hero's strong grasp to plop all hot and sticky all over our unsuspecting skulls, leaving a tearful and resolute Italian Sherpa with nothing but regrets and bitter anguish. Why?! Why didn't he say "I love you, Summer" just once before she slipped away? You sad, sorry man...

So, since it's getting warmer, I think it apropo to offer some grown ass advice on what not to wear this season. It's no secret that Adult Males ere infinitum have been experimenting with idiocy when it comes to summer fashion. If you are thinking of trying a "new look", go for it, but if I see you in any of these now known no nos, I'ma slap you.

Overall Shorts - just, no.
Proper Overalls - if you don't drive a pickup truck, you cannot pull off this look. If your overalls cost you more than $10 at the Farm and Fleet, you cannot pull off this look.

Grown Ass Style tip: try some khakis and a colored tee. Try to avoid cargo pockets.

Velvety track suit, matching of course... Adult Males picked this one up as soon as pretty girls stopped dressing like this. If you are not from Eastern Europe, you cannot pull off this look.

Try this: Gym Shorts and a white tee. Classic, yet comfortable.

A beanie. It's hot out, you look like a damn fool.

Try this: cut your hair shorter. High and tight, clean part. No sideburns.

Tucked in shirts? Adult Males are always tucking everything into everything else... A Grown Ass Man tucks his shirt in when wearing a suit, or when otherwise told by his own mother.

Socks and sandals. Don't do this.

Tip? Get yourself a pair of Rainbows.

D.B. Deep Vees. (DB stands for "descends below" the sternum) V-Necks are cool, but seriously we don't need to see that tattoo of a cancerous mole you got ironically after you got that cancerous mole removed.

Tip: Don't be a deeber.

Well that's all I got for now, remember stay cool and stay cool.

What's your summer fashion pet-peeve? Adult Male or Female?

Brand Allegiance

Out of the many different statements and things that are true about Grown Ass Men, the one thing that we have neglected to talk about is Brand Allegiance.

Brand Allegiance, being true to a specific brand despite all criticism from female companions and Adult Males within your proximity, is an integral part of being a Grown Ass Man. This is considered a true trademark of Grown Ass Manhood. It incorporates many things that G.A.M. love: specifically expressing loyalty and being in a situation they can control.

For example:

I have a relative who refuses to go to any other gas station except Marathon. Adult Males would see this as just stubborn behavior. An Adult Male would say, "gas is gas, no matter where you go." This Grown Ass Relative of mine would dispute that claim. Not only does he receive quality gas but he has become so acquainted with the system set in place by Marathon that now he is able to take advantage of that system, legally of course. He receives points every time he uses his Marathon credit card, which he uses to buy gas cards which earn him more points. Now I am simplifying the process to protect the process and also because I do not have an allegiance to Marathon. Since I don't have this intimate relationship with that brand I may never understand fully what that is about.

Another example:

I have another relative, one of the grown ass persuasion, who frequents Arby's, buying their shake mix to use in his own ice cream machine at home. Not only does he enjoy the shake mix that he buys from them but he also enjoys the tasty treats that Arby's produces. Through his allegiance to the Arby's brand he has become a regular. Being a "regular" at any place where you are the consumer is an elite status that not everybody gets. This grown ass relative of mine has achieved that status and, undoubtedly, has the admiration of his peers. Being a regular at any place could be a separate post of its own, so I won't go deeper into that right now.

Basically, what I am saying here is that Grown Ass Men love their brands. I personally love my "Fresh" scented deodorant from Old Spice more than most other parts of my morning routine. That smell is something that I'm never willing to part with. These brands become part of the family. Many fond memories are surrounded by the taste of Kroger Brand ice cream because of the stance my father took on his brand. Discontinuity creates confusion. Stick to what you know! Love your brands!

So remember, be loyal to your brands and they will return the favor. Remember all of the times your grandpa refused to shop/eat/get some kind of service at any other location then the one he was used to? Now you understand why he did that, he is a Grown Ass Man. So be proud of your particularity to labels and brands because that is what makes you you, a Grown Ass Man.

What brands are you loyal to? What kind of persecution have you faced because of your dedication to that brand? Let us know.

Sandwich Shoutout

Today I decided to finally take a Grown Ass Man's advice and eat at local hotspot, Gioia's Deli, in the Italian neighborhood of St. Louis called The Hill. I was not disappointed.

This Sandwich, yeah It deserves capitalization, is a masterpiece.

Being a Chicagoan, there are 3 criteria by which I judge an Italian sandwich:

The Bread. It's gotta be soft, yet crusty. If you order your sandwich toasted, it's supposed to scrape up your mouth to the point that you're subconsciously tonguing it's roof for days. I'm partial to Turano, but a good, fresh-baked baguette will do just fine.

The Meat-Mix. Too often sub shops try to pass off a lunchmeat sandwich and call it an Italian. This, Subway-esque, Adult Male pile of Ham, Salami, and usually Pepperoni (seriously?!) has become acceptable in some parts of the country... but where I come from, an Italian is a solid Salami, Capicola (pronounced Gabagole), Mortadella, and sometimes Ham. Pepperoni is for pizzas, man... Gioia's uses Genova, Hot Salami, and Ham, or Mortadella. Totally acceptable.

Giardiniera. If you don't know what this is, Jesus still loves you, but you've never eaten a sandwich before in your entire life. This is a type of Hot Pepper Relish, and Gioia's has the second hottest Giardiniera I've ever eaten. Big Up's to the #1, Bari's on Grand Ave. in Chicago... they make theirs with Habaneros.

All that being said, I didn't even order the Italian, because the menu board was whistling a tune I'd never heard before...
Gioia's Extra Spicy Hot Salami Sandwich.

Man, was this a treat:

Gioia's delicious fresh-baked bread
Gioia's special salami sliced warm and piled high
Pepper Cheese
Spicy Mustard
Onion
Pepperoncini
Extra Hot Giardiniera

Here's a pic of what I had leftover...

Now, before you get all commenty on me, saying things like, "A Grown Ass Man would have finished the whole 9" sandwich!!!"

You're absolutely right. A Grown Ass Man would certainly eat all of it and ask for more, if he didn't have the Grown Ass Restraint to save a bit to scramble into some eggs in the morning. Being stuck in St. Louis means I can no longer enjoy the ubiquity of delicious Giardiniera that I had so foolishly taken for granted in the frivolity of youth...

So here's to Gioia's! A truly special little deli on Macklind off Shaw in the Hill.

What do you order when you go to Gioia's?

Grown Ass Man of the Week

Scratch that, we are awarding the grown ass men of the week. These men are historical but they are just as relevant today as they were back in their time. Below we have the names of Theodore Roosevelt, Andrew Jackson, and Genghis Khan. When you click on each one you will know why they are the G.A.M.'s of the Week.

Theodore Roosevelt

Andrew Jackson

Genghis Khan

Special shout out to the grown ass men who came up with this fake campaign for the Smithsonian.

Contest to Publicize our Blog!

Many of you know of my grown ass artistic ability... I am donating my craftmanship to the ever-growing fame of our Blog. I am in the process of creating 10 Tees to give away one each to the first 10 grown ass men to complete the following:

Post your favorite of our articles to your Facebook, and provide us with a screenshot.

Subscribe to our blog, as well as convince two members of your grown ass cohort to subscribe as well.

Just tell me your shirt size in the comment that includes your screenshot.

Facial Hair Shout Out

Today we continue our series on highlighting the epitome of manliness, having glorious facial hair. Today we focus on a true grown ass man, anonymous Giant's fan. Not only does this beard have enviable bushiness, but it also has perfect form and shape. It is not too out of control, but has just enough of a wild side to make it edgy. Bonus extra on this shout out, he resembles a player on the team from which he is a fan. Therefore, not only does he have an illustrious face blanket, but he also is showing his true fandom. This is considered to be one of the highest forms of expression of grown ass manhood. So with that being said, we thank you anonymous Giant's fan for being an outstanding example of what a grown ass man should look like.

Facial Hair Failure: Osama Bin Laden, because he's dead.